Dear Dr. Love,I have a little problem. I broke up with my girlfriend about 2 months ago. Our relationship was pretty good until we started arguing constantly. I knew there was a reason for our arguing so I confronted her and she told me why. Her reason was that I constantly wanted to ‘ get some’ and it made her feel totally used and worthless. She claimed there were times when she just wanted to talk and all I wanted to do was fool around.Well after she told me this I realized she was RIGHT. I was a hornball and I didn’t realize it. I pleaded and begged with her to give me a second chance. I told her I do really care for her and I want a second chance. However, she says that no matter what I say she cannot get over the fact that I used her like a piece of meat. She says she still does care for me but she doesn’t want to go through that again. Is there anything else I can do or say that would somehow change her mind?Thank-you in AdvanceLost
It’s not my place to tell you what to do.You say that you worry that you are depressed.How could you not be depressed? You are a human punching bag, and a prisoner in your own emotional jail. I’m the jailor who can set you free. The key to your freedom is understanding.First I want you to see that you and your boyfriend are actually mirror images of each other. You both were unfaithful to each other from the start. You both are unable to trust. You’re both abusive.Your relationship consists of your taking turns torturing each other with infidelity,physical abuse and mistrust.Just so you know, breaking up won’t solve the problem. The problem will haunt you both wherever you go and no matter who you’re with.I want you to also know that it’s no accident that you chose each other and that you choose to stay with each other. If you want your life to change, you need to understand why.I’m betting that you are both filled with rage toward your parents. And you both represent the other’s hated parent, and you take turns beating up on the parent, and then doing penance for your bad behavior by taking a punishment. No wonder you can’t let each other go. You both have unfinished business with your parents, and you aren’t done paying them back.If you want to get passed this prison, read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First)http://www.drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship. The title of the book sounds like your life.The book will help you identify the Old Scars that you each carry from childhood.Next it will show you how to heal the Scars with each other’s help.To do this, you need to make a commitment to TALK about your feelings, your hurt, your fear, your sadness, and so, on without going into action. By action I mean cheating, verbal attacks, physical attacks. No action.If you commit to this no action policy, your feelings will then be able to be put into words. Once they’re in words, the healing can begin. When you speak, you are to listen and understand each other. Doing so is the way to help each other heal the pain.If you cannot commit to this plan, your relationship will be a war zone and nothing more.I’ve given you the blueprint for healing your depression and your relationship.Let me know how you make out.
