Hi-I don’t know if you will be able to help me but i split up with my ex girlfriend 8 months ago. . well she dumped me. . I want her back. . She wont take me back. . . Any advice I would really appreciate, ThanksI was with my exg irlfriend for 4 years. . . We started dating in May 1999. . . Now in May 2003 Rachel went on a family holiday for 2 weeks and while she was away I went on a work night out and got so drunk that I kissed a girl. . Now this lasted about 5-10 seconds. . . Anyway I felt so guilty. .So when Rachel ( my ex girlfriend) returned home the following week I confessed that we should break up without giving her any reasons. . she was very very upset and wanted to know why . . I told her I had met somebody else ( I hadn’t but felt so guilty) , I will never know why I told her that I met somebody else. . All it was was a drunken kiss. . .She was devastated. . . she rang her dad and he collected her. . . Over the next coming weeks . . I would text/message her asking could we talk. . but would never get a reply. . Now what I did next was stupid. . I was getting drunk every night and sending Rachel rude messages. . . . and would ring her every saturday night for 3 weeks at 3am. . . ( we used do this before when we were together. . we would ring each other after niteclub to see how we were)Rachel changed her phone number. . The 1st time that i saw rachel was 4 weeks after we split up. . she asked me to meet up with her. . and she returned some of my things. . . Over the next 4-5 months I would send her letters every weeks asking her to give me a 2nd chance, begging, pleading. . . I would text her sister as well. . .My friends told me to move on and that rachel said that she will get the law involved if i send her more letters. . . What did i do. ? I sent more letters. . . I went to Chicago on holidays for 2 weeks in october with my parents. . . ( me and rachel had talked about moving to chicago for a couple of years). . . Well I brought her home a lot of presents. . . When I came home I texted her sister to see can she arrange us meeting up. . We met up the following week which would have been the weekend of our 4. 5 year anniversary. . .She didn’t want to accept the gifts as ‘ I would get the wrong idea ‘. . . She took them anyway but repeated that we wont be getting back together. . . Before Xmas I sent her an xmas card and a few more letters. . . I found out that she has moved out of home. . .So I cant contact her now. . don’t know where she lives and I don’t have her phone number. . . . I met her new years eve in pub. . I approached her. . she didn’t want to talk at first. . but I said my bit. . she was holding her friends hand for support and when I mentioned the incident of kissing another girl. she started crying so I walked away. .I gave up alcohol on xmas day as that was what caused all of this to happen. . sometimes when drunk i would criticize rachel on her weight and lack of makeup. . but I was drunk. . i never meant to say these things. . . Now I have given up alcohol and Im emailing a counsellor every day. . and she is helping me be a better person. . .4 weeks ago i met rachel in a pub. . I approached her and she said ‘ hi’ . . It was my 1st time seeing her since the end of the year. . . I said maybe we can talk in a few weeks or months. . she just shrugged.i asked her how she was, how was work going. . . etcThe following week I met her in a pub. . we have mutual friends. . I saw her and i turned to jelly. . she still has that effect on me. . Anyway I didn’t want to go over to her as didn’t know what the reaction would be. . . But went to the bar and when i came back my brother was talking to rachel and her sister. . . so I decided to go over too. . .She said ‘ Hi ‘. I said hello and said maybe we can talk in a few weeks. . I can show you my new tattoo’. she started to laugh. . . Now it was like old times. . she hadn’t smiled or laughed at me in a long time. . . Now I started every piece of conversation. . everything was going well until the topic of getting back together was brought up. . .she said we will never be getting back together. . I said ‘ maybe in the future’ , she said ‘ Never’. . . she said I don’t deserve a 2nd chance. I asked her was she happy being single and meeting different guys every weekend. . she said she was happy. . . . . . I said take care and walked away. . that was 2 weeks ago. .Now I know I was stupid. . Alcohol was a big factor involved. . I have given up alcohol now and am seeing a counsellor. . . Rachel knows about this. . Now Im not a violent or abusive boyfriend. . i never raised a hand to rachel but when drunk as said before I would comment on her weight. . the thing is though she was not heavy. . I don’t know why . . . . but I have given up alcohol now. . . . better late than never. . .Now some of my friends are saying to leave her alone and to move on. . while others are saying give her time and she will come back. . . I don’t think there is a guy in her life at the moment. . but Im not sure. . We were solid though me and rachel. . In fact our last month together ( May 2003 ) was probably our best. .Rachel lived 150 miles away from me , so we would only see each other at weekends. . . so may 2003. . it was my cousins wedding, me and rachels 4 year anniversary, and rachels 23rd birthday. . So we saw a lot of each other. . Im 100% responsible for the breakup of our relationship. . But telling me I don’t deserve a 2nd chance , in my opinion is harsh. . .I have seen Rachel maybe 6-7 times in the 8 months that we have split up. . We used to talk 3-4 times a day. . . . . Rachel was to move home in July 2003 and we were to move in together. . . We used to talk about marriage and babies. . . She is ‘ The One’ . . I really think she is. . I don’t know what to do. .She says that eventually we will be friends but nothing more. . . But she wanted to marry me. . . 12 months ago. . my brother got engaged and rachel was happy but jealous too as we were going out a year longer than my brother and his girlfriend. . also 12 months ago rachel thought she was pregnant with my child. . when she found out that she wasn’t she was upset ( we both love kids, rachel works in a creche)Im sorry for such a long email but Its 8 months since we split and things aren’t looking great so you guys are my last hope. . Also just wondering if you think its too late for a reconciliation. Its 8 months since we split. but we were in love for 4 years. . I still am in love with her. . I cant get her out of my head.I would really appreciate any advice or tips Thanks for your time
I know you’re sorry for what you did and it can’t be undone, unfortunately. Now you need to learn from this mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. My first observation is that you have an impulse disorder.An impulse disorder arises when a person cannot tolerate a strong feeling and then acts impulsively in order to discharge the emotional tension. For example, if a person feels angry and can’t stand the feeling, he might punch a wall or verbally bash someone.The problem with an impulse disorder is that the person suffering from it doesn’t consider what the effect of his or her impulsive action will be. The only thing that matters is relieving the tension in the moment, come what may. But the impulsive action creates consequences that themselves lead to more uncomfortable feelings, which again need to be discharged through other impulsive acts.This is what happened to you. The kiss when you were drunk was an impulsive act. Alcohol lowers a person’s inhibitions, so if you already have an impulse disorder, alcohol will only heighten the problem. As a result of your kissing the girl on impulse, you felt guilty. Instead of sitting with the discomfort you again went into action in order to discharge the guilt.By telling your girlfriend that you had found someone else you not only discharged your guilt, you arranged to get punished and boy did she punish you–she dropped you like a hot potato.Stop beating yourself up. You have suffered too much already at the hands of this impulse disorder. To heal your impulse problem, you need to be in a structured therapeutic relationship. The structure of a regular weekly session is vital for someone with an impulse problem since you must train yourself to hold your feelings until the next scheduled session.Daily internet chats isn’t going to cut it for you since this type of unstructured work only encourages you to be more impulsive, chatting when you feel like it or when you feel under pressure, etc. . I’m happy to work with you on the problem and if you want to go farther, contact me through my private consulting division.The only hope you have of getting your girl back is to explain to her that you have an impulse disorder and that you have committed to working on it in therapy. Obviously you can’t say this to her unless you truly mean it. Words alone will not ring true to her.