I need help. I am 36 weeks pregnant and living with the father of the baby. I know that he loves me, but lately he just doesn’t seem to want to touch me, hold me, or anything of that nature.He says nothing is wrong, but I am afraid that there really is something wrong. I don’t know if it’s because I am changing, or he’s changing, or what. When I ask him to hold me for a couple of minutes, he won’t. He tells me to be quiet, or go away so he can sleep.He just started this new job where he works 6 days a week 10 hours a day. But, I am afraid that there is more to the problem. I don’t know what to do, but I am feeling lonely and deprived.Please help me. I don’t have anyone else to ask this question to. Thank you so much for your time.Longing for Affection
What a sad story. How very painful to have him turn on you now of all times.Here’s what I think is going on. Your pregnancy must be bringing up unresolved issues from his first family. And, I highly doubt that he is conscious of what is going on inside him. If I had to guess I would say that he is reexperiencing the rage that he felt toward his mother for having another child and pushing him aside.This reaction is most likely to occur when a new baby is born when the sibling who is next in line is under two years of age. Children this young haven’t fully completed the separation/individuation phase, and a baby entering the scene leaves the young toddler feeling cheated out of his mommy.It sounds like this is what happened to your man. And, the anger that he is giving you is actually displaced rage. This means that he is really mad at his mother and is misdirecting it (or displacing it) onto you. Now, what can we do about it?Wait until he’s calm, rested and not in bed. Then, ask the following question. ‘Have you noticed that since I’ve been pregnant you’ve been acting very angry toward me?’If he is willing to engage in some exploration, ask him if the feeling he has toward you reminds him of how he felt when he was younger. Gradually steer the conversation to when his mother was pregnant and when his next sibling was born.Talking about this should help him to work it through. If he isn’t willing to examine his behavior and feelings, then you will need to start couple’s therapy. Since he is probably too defended to face his own issues in individual therapy, couples therapy may be a less threatening way to reach his psyche through the back door.Good luck. I hope that he is willing to examine his issues.
