Dear Dr. Love:I have a really embarassing question. I was a virgin when I married my first husband. I always hated sex with him. Finally after 17 years we eventually divorced. Now I’m seeing a new man and sex has been wonderful with him, but he seems to have a problem with penetration. He seems to have trouble entering me. I am worried that something is wrong with my body and I am too ashamed to talk with my doctor about this. Can you tell if something is wrong with me?
First off, I would ask your lover if he has felt concerned that he can’t penetrate you. And, I would also ask him what he thinks the problem is. (I assume that he has firm erections. If he isn’t very hard, this could be one reason why he couldn’t enter you. ) Let’s assume that he does have erections and simply can’t enter you. Why might this be? Are you attempting intercourse before you are sufficiently aroused (wet) and before your labia swell? If so, this could explain the problem and increasing foreplay before intercourse should help.It is also possible that you are like many women who don’t produce much lubrication. If this is so, then you could try a water-based lubricant like K-Y jelly or Lubrin suppositories before penetration and see if this helps. (Both products can be purchased without a prescription. ) If you still have no luck, then, I would find a woman doctor and ask her to check your basic medical condition. One early sign of diabetes in women is decreased lubrication. And, decreased estrogen as a woman approaches menopause will also cause vaginal dryness which can make penetration difficult.You can ask your doctor to check your hormone levels to make sure that you are producing the hormones required to maintain genital health and sexual functioning. These hormone levels are checked with a blood test. I would also visit a woman gynecologist and ask if there is anything unusual about your vaginal opening, your external genitals and the vaginal lining.If all your tests and physical exams come back normal, then I would ask for a referral to a sex therapist. It is possible that the bad sex with your ex. could be affecting your sexually functioning now. It is possible that your body is having trouble relaxing and becoming aroused. You could be tensing your muscles at the entrance of your vagina, thereby making it impossible for your lover to enter. If this is so, through discussion and relaxation techniques, you should be able to loosen up. Lot’s of luck to you in your journey.