Dear Dr. Love,Recently I befriended a guy online and we have been talking or mailing each other almost every day. The problem is I am not sure how to approach him because I am not sure of his feelings for me. On one hand we can discuss the pain he felt upon discovering a girl he was interested in was involved with someone. ( He told me the girl was seeing someone the day before and that he was and would continue getting over it. Oddly, when he told me he seemed more interested conversationally in my opinion of him than in his loss)But then, the other evening we were talking late and both of us were tired and flirting. When I asked him a question and told him to be serious( I asked him he he had ever had an orgasm) his response was ‘yes’ and that he wished he could show me. ( I am a virgin and I live far away, circumstaces I am willing to acceptand he seems to accept. )Now, I can handle discussing his feelings for other girls since I don’t think it healthy to desire someone who is only interested in you as a friend. And I do desire him. But his behavior that night, which included him telling me that he was attracted to me one minute, and then commenting on how he was tired and did, nt know what he was saying confused me. The next day he e-mailed me and the first thing he asked was’how is the guy situation. There must be someguy out there who is right for you’ . No mention of the night before, and to top that all off he was treating me like a child ( I am 16 he 19 ) something he never did before. I, m not sure if he is ashamed of what he said because of my age, if he was just lashng out over the loss of an oppurtunity romantically, or if he really did, nt mean it. I don’t know how or if I should approach him ROMANTICALLY . With so many mixed messages I feel like I am running in circles! Please help.NEEDS AN OPINION
You have the right feeling. This guy is spinning your head in a circle because he is spinning. He is very ambivalent (can’t make up his own mind) and terrified of intimacy. Many people are afraid of getting close. They fear that closeness will bring: pain; rejection; loss of freedom; or even the erosion of their selves (they will fall to pieces). Given all the fears, it’s a wonder that anyone ever forms a relationship.So, where does all this leave you? With a guy that isn’t ready for relationships. You can play all sorts of games that will help him move in closer (by acting indifferent or by mirroring back his doubts about relationships). In the end, you may trick him into coming in closer, but when he does he will still be the same fearful man. Then what do you do? You will be struggling, up close, with a man that needs space and distance. So, my sense of it is, this guy is damaged goods and not a good choice for you, unless of course you feel like chasing rainbows.