I am 42 years old. I am always told I am a great kisser. When I have been involved with a man I get the same comment. They say I am very sexy, attractive but not sexual. I am not sure what I am not doing when having sex with my partner. I was told I go with the flow. I have no problem touching, going down on a man and I stay wet and excited during the whole process. What can you tell me that might help me make them feel I want them while making love. I have met someone I really enjoy but he says he can not figure me out sexually and that bothers him. I wear sexy underclothes also. Help!!! I look forward to your answer. thx
You are doing all the right things. In fact, reading your letter sounds like a sex manual that includes techniques, lubricants, garments. But, what is missing here? In spite of all these amazing efforts, you say that your partner can’t read you–meaning, he can’t interpret your sexual reactions.Where there’s smoke there’s fire. And, you need to send out some smoke signals to show that you are on fire.You need to moan, sigh, move your bod., tell him in words when he hits your sexual bull’s eye, that is describe your pleasure (when you touch me like that, I feel electricity shooting through me, etc.).In order for him to read you, you need to be an open book. Better yet, a book on tape that speaks aloud. This is what needs to happen. Now, we have to understand why it isn’t happening. Two possibilities that I can think of: 1) You are trying so hard to show what a good lover you are (dressing up, using all kinds of techniques, etc.) that you aren’t able to relax and get lost in your own sensations.It is possible that you are caught in spectatorism, that is watching yourself have sex as though you were outside your body. If you are engaged in spectatorism, then you will be unable to dive into the experience and let yourself go. If you are not fully surrendered to the experience, then it is hard to give off arousal signals that he can read. Read my Advice Archives article in which I discuss spectatorism and how it ruins a sexual experience.Another possibility is that you are too busy focusing on him and his pleasure, and, this also would prevent you from letting go and surrendering to your experience. Many women are selfless and put themselves last, even in bed. But, being self-oriented in bed, focusing on your pleasure, is a great turn-on for a man. I’m not saying to stop thinking of your partner, but you might consider taking turns, and when it’s your turn to be turned on, go for it.So, first figure out what may be stopping you from diving into your own pleasure with both feet. Resolve that issue first, then, send out the sexual smoke signals.If you find that you are already completely able to dive into your own sexual experience, then bone up on your signal sending.Have fun.