Dear Dr. Love,recently my boyfriend accused me of cheating but get this, he said that i was cheatin because i flirt over the internet, i told him that he should be glad it was on the internet and not for real, he then proceeded to ask me about the email that i had recieved, i told him i would not show it to him, but it didnt matter because he already knew my password, when he began reading the mail that was sent to me (it was very erotic) he said ‘i knew you were cheatin on me) he broke up with me.we live together which makes matters even worse, i tried to explain to him that what was in those’letters’ were not real to me and that if he thought about, if i did get hot and horny reading these’letters’ he would be on the recieving end of pleasure, i think that cheatin is physical, while he says what was written to me and what i typed back was cheating, i never physically cheated on him, but he doesnt believe me, i know that he may have some insercurites, because i have done a couple of things that were wrong, make that a few, but to me i only behave that way when i am not getting what i need, and before you say, tell him, i do tell him what i need, want and desire, we’ve been together for 4 years, i love him and really don’t want to loose him, help, im at my wits end, what am i doing wrong?
You asked me what you are doing wrong. I will tell you. You probably won’t like what you are going to hear, but, you must take my words to heart, if you ever hope to win him back. First off, you sound surprised that your boyfriend was upset by your behavior. Do you know that you come across as not caring how he feels? When he told you that he was upset by your sexually explicit dialogues with strange men, instead of being responsive to his concerns, you blew him off, telling him that he should be glad that you didn’t sleep with them, and that he should appreciate the fact that the sex would be hotter.You never heard a word that he told you. I sense that you don’t know that you are coming as callus. The only explanation for this lack of awareness is simple. You must have been raised by parents who didn’t consider your feelings and now you are treated your boyfriend the way you were treated. Bottom line, unless you modify your behavior, you will never have a relationship. Why would anyone want to stick with someone that doesn’t give a crap about his feelings?In addition to this I don’t give a crap attitude, we also need to look at how you act out your negative feelings. (Act out means put feelings into actions not words. ) You say you have done’wrong things’ when your needs weren’t being met in the relationship. Apparently, one of your parents taught you that it’s o. k. to act on your feelings (I’m not getting what I need, so I’ll act inappropriately, get even, etc. ) Acting out may release some negative feelings, but at what price? When you act out, you induce your boyfried to act out in return. In this case, he reacted to your actions by breaking up with you. If you want to resurrect this relationship, you must be willing to own the fact that your e-mail advertures are a form of acting out. Do you know what feelings lie beneath this flirtatious behavior? What were your actions saying to your boyfriend? You aren’t making me happy. You aren’t a good lover. I want another man.If you want your boyfriend back you need to: 1) admit that you acted out and make an honest effort to break this pattern; 2) own the feelings beneath your acting out behavior; 3) admit to him that you were not responsive to his feelings and work on being more responsive in the future. I can’t predict whether you’ll win him back. But, one thing I do know, if you want to have a relationship with anyone, you will need to learn to be more responsive of your partner’s feelings, and stop acting out when your needs aren’t being met.