I am engaged and been sexual with my fiancee. I found out about a year ago that I had genital warts. I have not told my fiancee yet and don’t know if I should in fear that he would leave me. I was considering just going to the doctor with him and acting like I never knew that I had genital warts until then. Would this be wrong of me? Should I tell him? If so how do I go about telling him?PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have painted yourself into a corner. And, there are no good solutions to this mess.If you tell him the truth now, he will feel violated and betrayed that you didn’t tell him up front about your having warts. He may also be angry because you put him in physical danger.If you decide to tell him the entire truth, you might soften the blow by telling him that you were so afraid to lose him by telling him about your problem too early in the relationship. And, as time went on, you didn’t see how you could tell him, and before you knew it you were caught.If you tell him the entire truth, you will need to be prepared for very strong reactions, anger, hurt. You need to know that you may end up losing the relationship. In other words, the thing you were most afraid of in the beginning, could come to pass after all.You suggested that you could lie some more and pretend that you just found out. Could you actually live with yourself if you did this?I can’t tell you what to do. You have to live in your own skin. But, I can tell you that however you decide to handle this, you need to look deeper into your pattern of concealing the truth. I know you didn’t talk to protect yourself, but doing so has put another person in danger, emotionally and physically.What I am saying is that your need to protect yourself has prevented you from considering the consequences of your actions (not speaking the truth) before you acted (slept with him).I understand that you were afraid that the truth would have gotten you dropped, but putting your need to maintain the relationship at all costs, ahead of honesty and ahead of your boyfriend’s well-being indicates to me your conscience is a bit anemic.Realize that many people do not ever develop a conscience. This is a common developmental arrest. You see, young kids have no conscience, and they do what is right in order to avoid bad consequences, such as punishment. Eventually, if development progresses properly, that kid develops a sense of right and wrong and behaves as he should, not out of fear of punishment, but an inner voice says to do so.It sounds to me like your conscience hasn’t developed completely. And, you need to work on this in therapy. You can’t live your life doing wrong things, and concealing truths that affect others, hoping that you won’t get caught. You will do harm to others, and, since lies can’t be hidden forever, you will eventually suffer and be punished in any case.And, you are facing punishment now. The lapse of conscience a year ago, when you didn’t tell your boyfriend about your problem before sleeping with him, is now staring you in the face. And, only you can decide if you want to pile on another lie, or begin taking the consequences of your actions right now.Good luck. I hope you can work this out with your friend.