My boyfriend and I had been living together in my house for about 5 months before we decided to get married. Planning the wedding became stressful for both of us. Then my shift changed at work and we had less time to spend with each other.Soon after that he told me that he didn’t feel like he loved me enough to marry me. This came as a shock to not only me, but all of our friends and family. He had been the one from the beginning that had pushed to get married.Just a week before his startling comment, I had called him from work on his day off to see what he was doing. He told me that he was just lying on his bed and couldn’t get anything done because he missed me so bad.About 2 weeks later, he does a complete turn-around, sets up an elaborate romantic evening, and asks me to marry him. I accept, however being a little shell-shocked, I repeatedly ask him to reassure me of his love for me.A month later he pulls away again, this time moving out. He tells me he is confused. He tells me he misses me. He tells me he still loves me. He is even interested in going to a marriage counselor.My question is, do I move on and forget this guy, or do I work at trying to salvage this relationship?
You don’t need to go into action, not so fast. Your boyfriend is the expert on acting on his feelings. You don’t need to follow his lead. You need to tell him that he clearly has mixed feelings about commiting, and that is very normal.The problem here is that every time he is ambivalent, he goes into action and moves out or breaks up. That is a definate, no, no. He needs to be told that he must commit to talking, not acting, each and every time he feels doubts.If he can commit to this, you have a chance to make the relationship work. However, if he can’t commit to this, then you have to decide whether you are willing to continue being jerked around.I would also read through my Advice Archives articles on fear of commitment and intimacy phobia. These articles will help him get a handle on what he might be afraid of.First get him to talk not act. Then, once he’s sitting still, we can begin to find out what exactly is frightening him, and begin to resolve the issue. By all means, if he’s willing to enter treatment, accept his offer.Let me know what transpires. Good luck.
