I’ve been with my current boyfriend now for 2 years. He is a great guy and we love spending time together. I noticed that whenever I see him talking to another women I get jealous and have an attitude with him and he doesn’t understand why.I think this is because of my past relationship (which was 9 years but broken up for 1 half years before present boyfriend) because my ex-boyfriend would purposely flurt with women in front of me to get me upset.What should I do to stop having these feelings like he’s going to emotionaly hurt me.
You were traumatized by your past boyfriend and you are bracing yourself to be hurt again. The first thing you need to clarify is whether this guy is also a flirt like your ex. or not. It is always possible that you have once again chosen a man who warrants your jealousy. If this is so, you have actual reason to fear.If your boyfriend isn’t a flirt, then perhaps you are afraid because you sense that your jealousy will drive him away, which will hurt you. I think that your jealousy is a symptom of a childhood wound that needs healing. Let me explain how I came to this conclusion.The first thing that jumped out at me was that you stayed with your previous boyfriend, who emotionally tortured you, for nine years. The fact that you stayed so long with a man who purposely upset you is a clue that you were trying to heal a childhood wound. Stay with me.If you felt that your mother or father loved your brother or sister more than you, for example, you certainly grew up feeling jealous, on the one hand, and yearning to become the favorite child on the other hand. Cut to adulthood. Your unconscious mind would naturally choose a guy who would recreate the pain of your childhood, partly because we all gravitate to the familiar, and partly because we are hoping to heal our childhood wounds.By choosing a person who makes you feel the way you felt as kid (unwanted, fearful, rejected, etc. ) the stage is set. Once the recreation of your childhood is in place, your unconscious mind gets busy. It’s job is to work toward a happy ending to your early wound. Your happy ending would be that you finally feel first and special.No matter how many times your hopes are dashed, you will keep on trying again. Hope springs eternal that one day you will achieve the happy ending and feel healed. This explains why you stayed for nine years. To give up would have felt like giving up the hope of ever healing the old wound.Because your wound is still unhealed, you bring the problem to your next relationship. Even if your boyfriend isn’t a flirt by nature, your unconscious needs to see him as yet another guy who is going to break your heart and let you down. This enables you to react to him with jealousy and soon your behavior will induce him to pull away from you, and voila, your worst fear comes true: history repeats itself; you feel unloved, rejected and aren’t his number one girl.Now the stage is set once again, your childhood wound has come to life and you can, once again try to achieve your happy ending. Of course this plan is never going to heal you. Choosing a flirt will always leave you feeling unloved, and accusing an innocent man of flirting will drive him away and leave you unloved all the same.Your question is how you can achieve your happy ending. To feel loved and first instead of hurt again and again, the first step is being conscious. Watch yourself like a hawk and catch yourself before you act on your jealous feelings. You can feel jealous and keep the feelings to yourself.Each time you feel jealous, study the triggering event. Ask yourself if your boyfriend has actually done or said something to warrant your intense reaction. If not, think back to your childhood. Recall a similar incident and how you felt then. Separate then from now. See your boyfriend for who and what he is, rather than pasting your parents’ or your ex-boyfriend’s picture over his face.If you are still stuck, then do some counseling. You might also try some hypnosis or EMDR to help break the association between past and present.