My husband and i have been married 3 months, he moved me to his home town about a year ago and i have run into or hear about his ex’s. Just tonight he brought up one of his ex’s in conversation.I tell him i’d like to just leave them in the past, yes i throw them in his face at times and i know its wrong. But tonight he said i might meet this person some day, we may go to a hockey game together sometime.Should i be upset that he thinks its okay to hang around with women he’s had past sexual relationships with? He thinks i’m overeacting, am i?
Many men remain friends with ex-girlfriends and many women don’t mind this. How other women feel about this subject doesn’t matter at all.The fact is that you aren’t comfortable and you need to figure out why. You say that you throw these previous women in his face. It’s not clear why you are doing this. Are you jealous? Are you fearful that he compares you with his previous lovers? Are you worried that he will go back to any or all of them?The answer to the question why you throw these women in his face is also the answer to why you can’t tolerate his having contact with them. I have the impression that his involvement with these women has awakened a wound from your childhood.You are caught in a triangle that must be similar to a triangle that you experienced as a kid. For example, did your parents favor one of your siblings over you? Remember how you felt then and I’m sure it’s the same way that you feel now. Your happy ending to the childhood trauma, I think, is for you to feel the favorite child, not one of many.You are fighting with your husband because you want him to give you that feeling. Each time he hangs around with these women, your hope for emotional healing is dashed and your heart is broken.When you identify your wound and the feelings surrounding it, talk to him. Describe your early wound, then explain how his behavior reawakens it. Keep in mind that the fight that you are in is bordering on a power struggle. The more you rag on him to stop the contact, the more he’s doing it.The point of your discussion should be to open the lines of communication and deepen your awareness of each other ‘s feelings. If he understands the damage that his behavior is doing to you, he should be willing to alter his behavior.As part of this process, he should examine why he hangs around these women. Is he trying to make you jealous? Does he feel loved and special when you are jealous of other women? Does he need to keep some distance between you and him and is he using these ex-girlfriends to drive a wedge between the two of you?Understanding what he gains by doing what he’s doing is vital to his moving forward and shifting his actions.Let me know how you make out.
