hey there Dr, hope you’re doing well. There’s a guy, 11 years older than me and a family friend. An important member at church. I’ve had a crush on the guy for the longest time, about a year and a half. It didn’t just come out of nowhere, i mean guy, literally led me on, he would always react to my posts, leave complimentary comments, all those first move typa thing but he wasn’t saying anything directly, he was moving slow. So I decided to tell him, confess and it was so natural. He told me he feels the same way and that he just didnt know how to tell me. Cool, so he started phoning to check on me, try to set a date to meet however that never happened. Two weeks after constant calls, he ghosted and I didnt try to get in touch either. One Saturday, he phones to tell he’ll be coming to my local church and hopes to see me, I was like cool. After church, he takes me home, we spend about an hour together talking about how “us” came about and where to from here, we didn’t really get anywhere. He leaves, I phone him later that day just to check how he travelled, if he got home safe, he didn’t answer my call, he never returned the call. That was beginning of December 2021, when we last spoke. Late June 2022, we meet at a church camp, he tells me we need to talk. Cool we talk, he tells me he doesn’t really have a valid reason for ghosting me and all, also low-key told me he’s in a relationship but he dont wanna let me go, dont wanna lose me. He’s very gentle and loving towards me and he makes sure to show it to the world. We spend the night together, next morning, we go to the morning prayer. He didnt talk to me the whole day, tried to talk, he mized me. Following week, we meet again, he apologizes tells me, he’s just been busy but we’ll talk later on. We didn’t and again I try to call him, he does not answer. That was the last i heard from him. End July, we travel together to some place for a church gathering, we don’t talk cause his friend was there. We get some alone time, he gives me that assuring hug, he tells me im such a good person and very responsible however we can only talk about our “situationship” when im ready. I’m really confused, I dunno what to do or think really. There’s times where I feel like he’s just toying with me and there’s times where i feel like the love is there and it’s genuine, it’s just the circumstances that are blocking this to happen officially. It’s close to 2 years now and there’s not a day I do not think about him. I feel and strongly believe he’s the one for me, my husband, father of my kids but it’s just taking forever to unfold. He’s such a good man, very gentle and manly. Loving and caring, family orientated and very smart. I believe we’d make great parents and a good couple. I just dunno what to do from here. Is it me, am I just living a fantasy or is patience really virtue? I really need your advise on this one. I’ve exhausted all my options.
I studied everything you said and it sounds to me like he is mind fornicating you! You can only talk about your situation when you’re ready. Who are we kidding? He’s the one who’s not ready! He’s involved with someone else. And he’s toying with you! He’s hot and cold, and goes off the radar. In other words, he’s nowhere.
You really need to look at yourself and realize why you aren’t seeing the truth here. You are attached to someone who is not available. And, what really concerns me is that you are allowing him to gaslight you into believing the stall is on your side. Give me a break!
I encourage you to do some soul searching and think back to your early life. Your early life is the place where the blueprint for your future relationships was written. I am betting that you had an unavailable parent. This experience would have primed you to fall for someone who’s unavailable.
In my book Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, I have a chapter on Old Scars and I list the relationship issues that arise from each of these Old Scars. And, I outline how to heal the Old Scar that applies to you.
When you identify your Old Scar and heal it, you won’t feel so much love for this man any longer. Bottom line, he isn’t behaving in a loving way toward you. He is toying with you and playing with your feelings.
You deserve way more. I promise, when you heal the Old Scar, you won’t feel the same love for this man. A great deal of the love comes from the yearning to be a good and loving girl and finally win an unavailable parent’s love. All kids believe that the world revolves around them (called the narcissism of childhood). And all kids live under the omnipotent fantasy that they have the power to change the world around them. The child thinks if I’m really good and loving I will fix my parent and he/she will finally love me.
When all attempts fail, because we can’t change another person, the kid carries the wound into adulthood and finds an unavailable partner to “fix”. The fantasy continues: I will be good and loving and Mr. or Ms. Unavailable will come around. And when he/she comes around, I will feel as though I healed the wound I suffered as a kid.
But this dance rarely bears the fruits we hope precisely because we choose partners who are limited and damaged in the exact way our parents were. In other words, the partners we unconsciously choose to heal our Old Scars can’t give us any more or any better than our parents did.
But we don’t want to give up. That would feel like giving up the hope of healing our Old Scar.
The repetitive dance involves keeping the blinders on and not seeing the truth about the other person. To see the truth feels too heartbreaking and shatters the illusion that we will one day win the goodies from our partner that we lacked from our parents.
When you connect the dots by identifying your Old Scar, and when you embrace the truth that the lack of availability and love you experienced as a kid had nothing to do your lack of lovability, your world will begin to change for the better.
When you take in the truth that the injury you suffered (the abandonment, lack of love and/or outright abuse) was not due to your being flawed or unlovable, but due to your parent’s limitations and wounds, your wound will begin to heal.
As you heal, you will not find yourself attracted to unavailable men any more. Then, the door will open to a new and complete love.
I have helped thousands of people reach this point. You can reach this point as well.
PS: I just added Dr. Love’s Relationship Toolkit to the store. It contains 11 tests and guides to help you assess whether you are in love or only in lust, figure out if a potential or existing partner is ready for a relationship, check your level of compatibility with someone, determine if someone is right before you jump in, and so much more.
