Dear Dr. Love,I am irate! My live in boyfriend of 14 months gets 4 weeks a year vacation, I only get one. He has talked for months about taking me to a small town in Florida. So, we plan this vacation. I get the time off and now, he can’t seem to get off from his job! I am stuck with no where to go and nothing to do for 9 days! He mentioned taking off to this same little town by himself when he gets his ‘vacation time’.How do I let him know that this is not acceptable for me with out blowing up? I am so mad that I could chew a nail in half at the fact that he agreed for me to take THIS week off and he would too. I feel cheated and left out! What is in the mind of someone who can think like this?Thank You.
I can see why you are furious. This guy has really pushed your buttons. In fact, your guy sounds passive aggressive to me, that is, he gets his rocks off by withholding what you want. And, you are so correct, blasting him with raw rage will do no good.You have several options for how to discuss your angry feelings:Option One: The X,Y Formula (I felt X, when you did or said Y).With this formula, you calmly state what was said or done and then explain how it made you feel. When dealing with fragile types, you may need to avoid the word ‘you’ and create a more neutral, non-threatening sentence like: I felt X, when such and such was said or done. And, you may need to use a disclaimer before the formula. ‘I know you didn’t mean to upset me but…’ then continue with the X,Y Formula.Option Two. For Defensive TypesIf you’re dealing with someone who turns the tables and throws things back in your face, option one won’t work because they will tell you that you’re crazy to feel as you do, or they will tell you that they aren’t responsible for how you feel. So, when dealing with this type of person, it is more effective to simply make an observation about what they said or did. For example,’That was a very hurtful (or hostile) statement or action.’ Simply call it the way it is, and there’s no room to argue with facts.Option Three: The Question to Build InsightFor people who don’t think enough about how others feel or how their behavior lands with others, you can ask a question that will help the person become more thoughtful and considerate. The question you can ask is: Should I be feeling offended (or hurt, or angry, or whatever you are feeling) when X is said or done to me? This technique is not to be used with someone that will throw it back in your face. Only use this technique with someone that is really clueless about how he or she comes off and who would be receptive to knowing.Now that you know the 3 options, you must chose the option that seems best given what you know about your boyfriend’s personality. Choose the option that he will be most receptive to and also choose the option that feels comfortable for you.Since this guy is very angry and unaware of how angry his behavior is ( breaking vacation plans, then rubbing salt in the wound by saying he will go alone to the place you were dying to go, sure classifies as angry behavior), I would go with a combination of options 2 and 3.Know that my XY technique (I felt X, when you said or did, Y) would not be good to use with your boyfriend. Point being, if you tell him that you are hurt or angry, he will probably be secretly glad. If his intent was to piss you off, then he will feel relieved that he succeeded in making you angry.So, instead, our goal should be to help him own just how angry he is instead of getting his rocks off through withholding, angry behavior.To help him realize how how hostile his behavior is, and to get him to talk about his feelings, you might say,’How do you want me to feel about your not joining me on vacation?’He will likely say,’I don’t know.’You could say,’Can you guess how I feel about this?’He might say,’Pissed?’Then you say,’Why would you want to make me angry at you. Are you angry with me?’He will probably deny that he’s angry.At this point, he needs to be told that bailing out of a mutually agreed on plan is an act of anger. He needs to also see that expressing angry feelings through behavior, instead of words, is damaging to the relationship. Behavioral enactments lead to resentment on the part of the receiver of those enactments, and can lead to vengeful, counter-enactments.Then, I would tell him that angry behavior stems from angry feelings, and even though he isn’t aware of it, he is angry inside.After all this, let’s see if he finally owns his feelings.If he does, you have a workable boyfriend and a chance at making this relationship succeed. Then, encourage him to commit to talking when he’s angry, not acting.If he refuses to own his anger, then you will need to deal with the fact that you have an unresponsive partner who is getting sadistic pleasure by withholding what you want. If he isn’t willing to own this pattern and work on changing it, you will be in for lots of missed vacations as well as heartache.Good luck. I hope he owns his anger and works with you.
