Please note this question was accidentally erased. Dr. Jamie reposted it under her name.
Hi! I have been with my husband for seven years (3 married) He shows zero interest in being intimate and it drives me crazy because I’m all about it. He’s been to get testosterone treatment but never follows through with it and thinks that going months without sex is “normal” and “acceptable”. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that he doesn’t want it. Im literally in a downward spiral of depression. I can’t be happy like this, he refuses to go to therapy also. Is this a dead end? Should I walk away? I love him, but not “in love” due to the rejection over the years. I honestly don’t know what to do. Am I being rational?
Yes, you are being rational.
Your husband is withholding sex from you. The fact that he doesn’t follow through with the T treatment says it all. His behavior says that he is fine without sex.
I have a lot of questions.
First off, did you ever have great sex?
If so, when did it die?
Was he always so disinterested in sex in previous relationships?
Most importantly, is he sticking it to you by not sticking it to you? By this I mean is he withholding sex as a way of expressing his anger toward you?
I am truly leaning toward the idea that he is withholding as a way of punishing you.
No sex is a communication. A non-verbal one and we want him to put his thoughts and feelings into words, not actions.
I would ask him, “How he wants you to feel about the no sex. What does he want you think? How does he want you to feel about it? How does he want you to interpret his not having sex with you?
I would also be asking him if he knows how he feels about you. Is he happy with you? What is it that you might not be giving him that he wants. I ask this question because oftentimes people induce in us the feeling that they have. So, if he feels you’re not giving him what he wants, he withholds what you want so you know what he feels like.
Get back to me after you ask him all the above. And I will come up with the best treatment plan for you.