I think you’re saying that you love someone who has let you know that you are as important to him as is his girlfriend. Even if it’s true that you are as important to him as his girlfriend, the fact remains that you are not his girlfriend, the other woman is. You asked me what you should do. It’s not clear what you are asking me. Are you hoping he’ll give up his girlfriend and make you his girlfriend? Are you hoping to win the person you love away from his girlfriend?
This guy has apparently made a choice. You are the third wheel. And you are in a love triangle. I know it is painful for you to be yearning after someone who is not available to you.
This is not an easy situation.
In many ways your story reminds me of the original love triangle that happens in our first families. It is part of the normal growing up process to fall in love with the opposite sex parent and hope to win that parent for yourself. This pattern occurs in all cultures. It is called the Oedipal complex when a boy is involved and the Elektra complex when a girl is involved.
Eventually, the complex is resolved by the child realizing that the opposite sex parent belongs to Mom or Dad. Resolution of the complex comes when the child accepts that when he/she grows up, he/she will choose a partner who is like Mom or Dad.
The scenario I described is the ideal. We often derail and the result is the child never resolves the Oedipal or Elektra complex.
For example. I knew a psychoanalyst who always fell for married men. Why? Her relationship with her father was a very incestuous one. She was like his surrogate wife. They would go out dancing while Mom was left at home. In other words, she never had to give up the dream of winning her father because, in a way, she had him to herself. As a result, she didn’t let her father go and choose a man like her father, she was forever trapped in the pattern of falling for a married man she couldn’t have.
Your story is similar. You are in love with someone who is attached to another. I bet if you think back into your early life, you will find that something went wrong and that something prevented you from resolving the Elektra complex. Perhaps your father was unavailable or abandoned you and the family. This experience could also cause you to go after a partner who isn’t available to you.
You asked me what to do. The real answer for you is to do some soul searching and find out why you are so attached to an unavailable partner. Dig deep and find the original wound that has set you up for this love triangle today, and then work on healing the original wound.
The healing of the wound will set you free of this pattern so that you will no longer fall into the pattern of pining after an unavailable partner.