To be honest, its pathetic really to think that with all that is going on in the world and I worry about something as silly as this I think to myself, just get over it, but I can’t. You see, I find it impossible to have a relationship with someone.Don’t get me wrong, I have many friends, and don’t have any difficulty in meeting and getting to know new people, but that ‘s not the problem. I am unable to start a romantic relationship with someone.To be honest, the fact that I find it easy to make friends with new people might account for why my friends don’t know I have a problem. They just think that I choose to be single. But I have had a mental block for years.I used to really dislike myself you see even in the past I hid my depression well. Today, I still have off’ days when I don’t want people to see me as I dislike myself, but I feel a lot better nowadays.However, if I see someone I like my immediate reaction is not to talk to them, but hide away so they don’t see me close up. The annoying thing is that in my head I’m telling myself how irrational I am being, but I can’t help it. Even if I know for sure that someone might like me I continually ask myself ‘Why would they like me? There are lots of better people then me.’Even more infuriating is that I know that there are more important things in life to worry about. I’m one of those people who can give advice to other people on this sort of thing, but I can’t help myself. It’s become ingrained in my conscience. I’d really love you to help me get over this block.
I hear how blocked you are and I understand what’s causing it. Let me break your problem down.First of all, it’s clear that you really hate yourself. You don’t want to let anyone close to you precisely because you are afraid that they will find out what a bad person you are. So, you keep your distance.What you need to understand is where the self loathing comes from. Until you understand and resolve this, your presenting problem will persist. Self loathing is nothing more than rage directed back at the self.The pattern of turning rage back at the self starts in childhood. Little children are terrified to admit that they hate their parents and even wish them dead at times (these are completely normal feelings and wishes). Such feelings are terrifying to kids because the young child’s brain doesn’t separate feelings from outcomes. A kid thinks, ‘If I wish you dead, then my thoughts will make you die. ‘Obviously, a child can’t take such a risk since he/she can’t survive without parents. So what happens to the angry feelings? They get swallowed and turned back on the self. Self directed anger takes many forms from depression, anxiety, self loathing, self attack (or expecting others to attack or dislike you), and self destructive actions.As you can see, you are suffering from more than one form of misdirected anger. You’re depressed and you attack yourself. Now that I’ve identified the problem, the question is how to heal it. You are going to need the help of a therapist to do this.My suggestion is that you join a therapy group, rather than do individual therapy. In group, you will face many people and experiences, which will help to trigger your angry feelings. In group you will be helped to stop turning your anger on yourself and to identify who and what you are really mad at–including other members of the group as well as the people in your past.As you stop turning the anger back on yourself, the self loathing and depression will lift as will your fear of getting close to others. Keep me posted on your progress.
