Dear Dr. Love,I have been dating my girlfriend for six months now. We have known each other for about four years. We tried having a relationship last summer that only lasted two months. Now that we’ve been together for six months I feel that our relationship has not grown emotionally, spiritually or physically. I feel like we are still just friends. We are not very intimate with each other. We do not hold, hug or touch each other very often.With this in mind I think you know that the most intimate thing a couple could do has not happened. I ‘m okay with that though. It is the little signs of affection that I yearn for. She tells me that she is not used to showing affection. At one point she felt uncomfortable spending the night at my house. I think that has changed. While in bed, we do not hold each other. I guess I should give you this information before I go any further. I am 27 and she is 20.I have had relationships where affection and intimacy were abundant. On the other hand, she has not had many relationships to that degree. I have no problems with being patient. But I feel that our relationship is not heading in the right direction. I have told her that I love her, but the past couple of days I find myself daydreaming about being with someone who will give me the affection that I need.Another thing that I feel hinders our relationship is our difference in attitude. I am a very optimistic person. When things are bad, I always try to look at the bright side, or bring something positive out of the issue. She has a defeated attitude, and she doubts herself more than she realizes. Whenever I try to lift her spirits, she does not accept it. I know I love her but, I am so afraid that my feelings are going to change for her. Please help me salvage my relationship.Signed, ‘I Need Her Love ‘
You say you need this woman who can’t offer you affection in or out of bed. And, you ask me how you can save the relationship. Before we talk about how you can save this relationship, we need to understand what you unconsciously seek from this relationship.You say that you have had relationships in which affection and intimacy were abundant. It sounds like when intimacy flows like water, your relationships don’t last. But when intimacy and affection is lacking, you are very invested in the relationship, deeply in love and don’t want the connection to end. From the way it appears on this end, you are more attracted to a woman who doesn’t meet your needs than to women who do.Many people have this problem, and there is a reason for this. Many of us are drawn to frustrating relationships in an unconscious effort to heal an early old wound. The first step to healing our old wounds is recreation: the mind chooses a girlfriend or wife who frustrates us the way we were frustrated as kids. I call this ‘setting the stage.’ Once the stage is set, the play picks up where we left off as kids. Only this time, there is the secret wish that the play will have a better ending. This time, we will receive the emotional goodies we didn’t receive as kids.It sounds to me as though you grew up with an unavailable, emotionally depriving parent. So, you are drawn to this same type of person and desperately wish to get this new partner to love you the way your parent never did. Here’s the catch. If your new partner is damaged in the same way that your parent was, she won’t be able to give you more than your parent could. So, you end up fighting a futile battle and continue feeling empty. Instead of the play ending happily, most of us get stuck reliving childhood pain all over again.If I am correct that your unconscious has chosen a girl with the same limitations that your parent had, what can you do? First, we need to see whether she can grow past her limitations. You need to tell her what type of closeness you need. Talk with her and help her figure out why she runs from closeness. I suggest that you also do some couples counseling. Only effort and time will tell whether she can move beyond where she is today. I hope for your sake that she can grow past her blocks and become the loving partner that you need. If she cannot, then you will need to make a painful decision: either stay and relive the despair of childhood or make the break and seek out a partner who can help you heal the wounds of the past by meeting your emotional needs in the present. I hope for your sake that this girl can grow with you. Let me know how this all works out