Hi. I have been seeing this chap for 3 years now. It has been a casual relationship but it still made me fall in love with him even though he had a on off girlfriend. Now he’s back with her again and I love him too much to leave him and am scared if I leave I’ll never find anyone or have to settle with someone I dont find attractive.We have loans together and I’ve even lent him over 200 quid to get his flat together and he was coming on holiday with us in October. I dont know what to do i just want to die.
When I read the last line of your question in which you said, ‘I just want to die, ‘ my alarm bells went off. It’s hard for me to assess just how depressed you are given our inability to dialogue back and forth. If you have come to the point of actually planning how you would do harm to yourself, then you are deeply depressed and in grave danger. Promise me that you will go straight to your hospital emergency room if you feel that you can’t control your actions.Even if you haven’t reached the point of devising a plan for ending your life, it is clear to me that you are depressed and your depression needs to be dealt with first and foremost. Make an appointment with a psychopharmacologist or psychiatrist and get evaluated for anti-depressant medication right away.Keep in mind that medication alone isn’t the entire answer for you. While meds can correct the chemical imbalance in your brain, they won’t address the aspects of your personality that led you to become depressed in the first place. For this reason, you need to combine meds with psychotherapy. The focus of your psychotherapy should be two-fold.The first thing you need to become aware of is the fact that your self-destructive thoughts (wanting to die) are the result of misdirected anger. Wanting to die is the ultimate example of rage turned back at the self. Instead of directing the anger at the person you are really mad at, in this case your boyfriend, your anger is being turned on you.You also need to look at other subtle ways in which you do harm to yourself through self-destructive choices. Notice you said that you were dating this chap while he was seeing his on again off again girlfriend. Seeing him while he was still seeing his old girlfriend was a very risky choice for you, one that ultimately left you heartbroken.My sense is that you have been turning your rage back on yourself for so long that you don’t even realize the numerous ways in which your unconscious mind arranges to get you hurt. When you get in touch with your anger and direct it where it belongs, you will stop needing to make yourself a human punching bag and will soon begin to treat yourself better by choosing a lover who shows that he cherishes you by choosing only you.I know that you think that you will never care for anyone but this guy. Just begin therapy and you will be amazed to see how your perspective changes. When you stop swallowing your anger and start to feel how mad you are at him, you are going to realize that this guy is literally the last man in the world that you want to be with as opposed to the last guy you will ever love.After you start therapy, contact me again and let me know how you’re doing.