I had sex with an ex-girlfriend this past weekend. There are quite a few things I don’t understand.My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about 3 years ago when I was a senior in college. She has cheated on her two boyfriends that she has had since we broke up, with me. She claims that the guy she is with now is possibly the guy she will end up marrying. She tells him that she occasionally talks to me, but in reality she calls me a few times a week and text messages me almost on a daily basis.She is the one that invited me to a friend’s beach house this past weekend, where we had sex. After she has been drinking she asks me questions like, ‘Why were you so mean to me when we were together ‘ and ‘I wonder what things would be like if we were still together ‘. Most of the time when we talk, we talk about sex, but this past weekend was the first time in a year and a half we had sex.We had a great sex life when we were together, but she also says she does now too with her boyfriend. I have yet to find a girl who I enjoy spending time with as much as I did with my ex-girlfriend.Since we have been apart I realize that I didn’t treat her as well as I could have and wished I had told her how much she did mean to me. I often ask myself if it is possible I still have these feelings for her, but I try not to think about it, knowing she does have a boyfriend.Sorry about the length of my story, but I just wanted you to understand why I have these questions. Why does she keep in contact with me? Why did she cheat on her current boyfriend with me, when she says this could be the one she marries?I always tell her she must be missing something in her relationship, if she does these things. I tell her if she is as happy as she says she is then she wouldn’t think twice about me or jeopardize the relationship like she does. She replies that she is happy and this is not true at all.I came very close to asking her back out about a year and a half ago, before she started dating her current boyfriend, but the opportunity slipped by. I believe she had a feeling I was going to ask her out again and she would make comments around me like ‘my parents would be upset if we dated again’ and ‘It just wouldn’t work out’.I have apologized for the past, I am just so confused. I know she does care about the guy she is with now, but she is sending mixed messages. I really don’t think she knows what she wants. I’m not saying I think she wants to be with me, but I just don’t understand.If you could offer any kind of advice or feedback, it would be much appreciated.
What you need to understand is that we humans often experience conflicting feelings. When we act on these conflicting feelings, our behavior is quite difficult to interpret, which explains why you don’t understand where she’s coming from.She says she’s happy with her boyfriend, yet she sleeps with you. Her behavior expresses her mixed feelings. She obviously likes her boyfriend, otherwise she wouldn’t still be with him. On the other hand, she is still drawn to you, at least sexually. You also seem to be in conflict. One part of you still seems interested in your ex. and another part of you is not sure you want to get involved since she has another boyfriend.What you need to do is figure out your most predominant wish. By this I mean, figure out what the major part of your self wants. I had the impression that you really would like to be with her again, if she were free? If so, then talk to her.Tell her what you told me–that you regret having not treated her as nicely as you should. When talking with her ask her if she would like to be back with you, if she felt sure that you would treat her better this time around. If she says that she doesn’t want to be with you, than ask her what she is saying to you by having sex with you again. Also ask her what she is saying to her boyfriend when she sleeps with another guy.I will caution you, your ex. acts out her feelings rather than speaking. Sleeping with you says that she isn’t so sure about her boyfriend and it also says that a part of her wants to be back with you. By acting on her feelings, she is behaving in a way that is destructive of her current relationship. If she’s not sure about her relationship with her boyfriend, she’d be much better off working on that relationship and/or ending it rather than two-timing her boyfriend.So, beware, if she does decide to get back with you, you place yourself in danger in that she will likely act out in her relationship with you. Are you willing to have her two-time you when she becomes discontent with your relationship? All these questions need to be openly discussed before you make any moves.