Dear Dr. LoveI need your help please. I was marriage for 11 years my exhusband was violent verbal and physical infront of our child, and now I am divorced for 10 years and its very very lonely, and I don’t have family here in Australia.I’d love to get married again when the right person comes along. I have fear about men in case they will treat me again the same as before. I am intelligent and good looking from within.I am decent, Christian, so loving, gentle, and I am looking for a man who is loving and in full physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health that can connect on an innermost level, someone I can trust whether he is far or near me. I am 57 y. o. now I really need a husband to meet my emptiness in all parts of my life.What shall I do, please help me, if there are men will ask me to have a date I am scared. I don’t know what to do. Some time I am too forward othertimes I kick them away. Maybe they are above me and sometimes they are scared of me because I am a Christian maybe.Please help me on what to say, how to act. I know I have so much love to give. I would like to hear your advice, needing your help.Thank you
I understand that you are afraid to be hurt again. First read my answer entitled ‘Wanting a Better Home Life. ‘ If you are afraid to fall into another relationship with an abusive man, there’s a good chance that your unconscious mind knows that you, too, are caught in a repetition compulsion.This means that you will be drawn to one abuser after another, that is until you heal your original wound. There are other reasons (besides being caught in a repetition compulsion) why you may fall into another relationship with an abuser.I read your self-description and you sound very loving and sweet. I wonder if your Christian values have lead you to be more passive and tolerant of bad behavior than you should be. When you ‘turn the other cheek’ with an abuser, it tells him that you condone his behavior. Condoning serves the same function as outright reinforcement and serves to encourage more abuse. In other words, when you tolerate abuse the abuser receives the message, ‘Go ahead, keep mistreating me. I’ll always take it. ‘To be ready for a new relationship, you need to undergo a personal transformation that includes making an internal pact with yourself to never allow yourself to be abused by anyone ever again. When you make this internal shift, you will send out different ‘vibes,’ which will result in your attracting a different type of man–the non-abusive type.You won’t need to hang out a sign or even make verbal declarations that you won’t tolerate abuse. When you feel this way, the message will come across and abusers won’t be interested in you any longer, since they will sense that they won’t be able to get away with murder with you.You also need to do some work on your emotional hunger. I know you’re lonely for a mate, but the extreme nature of your need can actually drive away the right kind of man and make you easy prey for the kind of man who will take advantage of your need or abuse you because he senses that you need him too much.You must find ways to fill yourself and your life until the right partner comes along. View a relationship as a cherry on top of the cake. See your life as the cake. You don’t need the cherry, but you do need the cake. Work on making a nice cake for yourself.Fill your life with friends, hobbies, and charitable acts. You’ve heard the saying, ‘The Messiah always comes the day after you need him.’ It’s the same with life partners. When you are filled and no longer needy, your love will come.