Dear Dr. Love,Hello, my name is Holly, and I am 18 years old. I am married and I have a one year old and am 4 months pregnant with my second child. The reason I am writing you is because my husband expects to get sex 7 days a week, and i barely want to give him 1.I used to be very sexually active and now all i do is lay there. I feel like it is more of an obligation than a pleasure. I really want to make him happy, but i feel like there is no point.It is not that it doesn’t feel good, it’s just boring. We have tried oils, books, cards, games, making home videos. Nothing seems to work i feel like i got too old too fast. I really want to enjoy it again. I hate making him feel like a dissapointment.Is there anything i can do? Please respond to this, it is very important.
When I read your letter I had the impression that anger lies beneath your feelings of sexual boredom. Many psychoanalysts believe that boredom is a defense against angry feelings.We humans defend against feelings that we consider unacceptable, and I imagine that you, like many moms, would consider it unacceptable to admit that having a young baby, another one on the way, and a husband pawing at you is a major pain in the rear on many levels.Keep in mind that feelings aren’t rational, and that even though you love your husband and even though you may have chosen to get pregnant twice doesn’t mean that you don’t have conflicting feelings about being tied down at such a young age.I think that owning your negative feelings will be very liberating for you. When you are free to feel your anger, you will also find yourself liberated from the emotional jail that you are locked in, the jail that leaves you bored and numb to your sexual feelings.Owning all your feelings–especially your negative ones–is the key to getting out of jail and feeling alive and joyful again.