I know that you want to rekindle the flames of love, but does your husband have the same agenda? Or is he happy with the way things are? This is very important to find out, because if you are the only one who wants to reconnect and he doesn’t, you will find yourself swimming upstream without a paddle.To begin the dialogue you might say, ‘Have you noticed how far apart we have grown?’If he agrees, you could ask, ‘Are youcomfortable with the level of distance between you both?’If he says yes he’s comfortable, then you will be faced with a real dilemma. It takes two to tango and you can hardly reconnect without his involvement. If he says he’s fine, then all you can do is tell him that you aren’t and ask if he’s willing to work on finding a greater level of connection with you?If he says no, then you will have decisions to make.If he seems content with the disconnection, you can also take another angle with him. Ask him why it’s so comfortable for him to be so far from you. What is he gaining by being so disconnected (avoidance of intimacy, a way of avoiding his feelings toward you, especially his angry feelings. Ask him to connect this pattern to his first family. Were his parents cut off from each other (is he merely reproducing a pattern that he’s familiar with)?When he understands what he’s gaining from the cut-off, then ask him to explore what he loses–the joy of being close with another human being, etc. When he balances out the gains and losses, you might then ask him, can he think of another way to obtain what he needs without losing out on the connection with you. For example, perhaps he needs to find a way to talk with you about his negative feelings, rather than pull away or cut-off.If you can work on this together, then he can have the best of both worlds–connection and a way of resolving his anger. The cut-off can also be the result of what psychologists call habituation ( being in a rut). Long term couples often fall into routines and patterns that strip the relationship of romance.If this is your case, then you both can make a mutual effort to rekindle the connection, romance and intimacy.Schedule dates, recreate the first dates of your courtship, have sex in different locations and positions. I have given you a lot to work on.Please let me know what happens after you talk with him.
