Dear Dr. Love:This is the question that goes through my mind every day. Do I leave or do I stay. . .I have been married for 6 years, this is my 3rd marriage and I carried much baggage into this marriage. I don’t deny that. 4 years ago I came to the conclusion that it was time to toss out the baggage as it was to heavy. I did just that. My eyes opened up to a new world. Problem was it was too late for my wife, she ended up and was in a hot affair with now what is a ex-friend of mine.I look back at it and even though I wasn’t the best husband I wasn’t bad enough for her to have an affair. I wanted the marriage to work and sat down and talked with her about it. Telling her that we can make it if we both try, it would be hard but worth it.I am the cook in the relationship, she doesn’t know how to cook. I am the cook, cleaner, laundry person, and I even do windows. I am a person that beleives that sex is just sex but making love and romance can keep a relationship moving to the next step. Sex gets boring but romance and making love is exciting.My wife has no romance in her. I can make a romantic night with a candle lite dinner (crab legs, lobster), put some romantic music on, put my tux on and server her a great meal, clean it up after and sit on the love seat after with the lights down low and the music still going and talk with her and hold her and listen what she has to say. This does nothing for her.When we argue she will argue about everything but the problem which is our relationship. I can tell her what I need in it, and it is something that she can easily do but doesn’t. SHe has to sleep at least 10 hours a day and works 3rd shift. This doesn’t make for much time together. I am tired of trying to make this marriage work.SHe will wait till I am at my most depressed state of mind before she will even agree to have sex. Sometimes it’s 2 and 3 months. After she came home from her affair it was 1 year before we had sex. It is very disturbing. I find mow that my love is fadeing fast and all the other women in this world are looking much better then they did before. I ‘m not appreciated for what I do nor am I rewarded romanticly. She wants a friend not a husband who goes beyond friends.I have been told by her ‘sex means nothing to me, I get nothing out of it. I have never had a orgasim during sex with anyone and never will. My reply to her was ‘It isn’t the orgasim that counts, it’s the fun you have or make out of it, it’s giving of yourself for the love of someone else, I don’t look at it as it’s time to have an orgasim, I look at it as it’s time to please you and make you feel good. ‘ But this don’t go too far. It’s all in the way she looks at things, totally negitive. SHe doesn’t love herself so she cant really love me.Now then the question is how should I handle this. Another woman would love to have a man like me and I don’t think it would be to hard to find a woman that I can please and grow in love with. But this woman I am with refuses to grow unless it is a boring, no sex, one way relationship. Love is as beautiful as a big red rose, just as painful; if handled wrong.thanks HURT ‘N BAD
You want to know whether you should stay or leave your wife. We need to examine your situation more before answering that question.First off you say that you are twice divorced and that you entered this marriage with a lot of baggage. Then you go on to describe a life of enslavement with this wife (cooking, cleaning, even windows). It sounds as if you are doing penance.Are you trying to make up to her for whatever you feel your mistakes have been in this relationship ( the old baggage that you inflicted on her)? I have a funny feeling that this pattern of servitude started even before this marriage. I say this because you sound like a professional victim to me (I do everything and get nothing in return).If I am correct, this pattern of giving everything and getting nothing back existed in your other marriages. Are you aware why you act in this way? Many times when people behave as you do (doing it all) they believe that if they are really good, they will win love. This pattern usually starts in childhood. As abused kids, we never thought our parent’s abuse was wrong. It was normal. And, as abused kids it is also normal to think: I must be bad. I’ll try to be good and then mommy or daddy will stop hurting me and finally love me.Cut to adulthood. The same pattern of trying to win love by being good plays out in our adult relationships. But giving all, as you have noticed, doesn’t win you love, it’s gets you kicked in the balls. Once again, you feel victimized and right at home with mom and dad.When we have been victimized as kids, our unconscious minds choose lovers or mates that continue the cycle of victimization. And, this appears to be happening with you. You have chosen a wife who takes, dumps on you and gives you nothing back. You actually have a sado-masochistic relationship going on here. The more you try to be nice, the more she stabs you in the heart.By choosing abusive spouses, all of us hope to finally get a happier ending to our childhood story. This time, I will be good and I will be loved. Only this never happens. Why? Because our minds draw us to abusers, who are incapable of giving us better treatment than we received from our parents.So, you ask if you should stay or go. Whether you stay or go, doesn’t seem to me to be the real issue. Because, if you leave, I am convinced that you will end up in the same mess.Yes, your conscious mind knows that you deserve better than what you’re getting. But the unconscious mind chooses our mates for us. So, even if you leave this wife, you will probably end up in this same painful pattern with another woman.In order to break free and find the love you need, you will need to recognize that this pattern is occurring (choosing abusers, trying to be good in the hopes of being loved; feeling victimized and empty instead. ) You can find a good therapist in your area or contact me in my private counseling section, if you are ready to work on this.I cannot stress how important it is for you to work on this issue. We need to insure that the same pattern of victimization doesn’t crop up for you again and again. How many divorces are you prepared to go through?
