Dear Dr. Love:I am a thirty four year old man. I am relatively healthy, don’t drink very much, and I smoke cigarettes.My wife left me for another man a little more than a year ago.I did not see any women until the beginning of the year, in fact I avoided it. I was very depressed, and smoked a lot of pot. The depression and drug habit both died down in mid December.On new year’s eve, I met up with a woman with whom I had a relationship that ended badly before I got married. One thing led to another, and we ended up in bed.I was aroused when we started, but as soon as she touched my erection, it collapsed. I wrote it off as a bad idea anyway, and forgot about it.Now I am in another relationship with a woman that I really care about. We haven’t been seeing each other very long, two and a half weeks, but I feel very good about it, and so does she.Two days ago, we slept together.Again, I was excited while we kissed and held each other, but when she touched me, my erection dwindled. She was understanding, and we held each other all night, and it was still beautiful. But I know that can’t go on forever. She isn’t going to be satisfied with oral sex forever, and I want some, too!What can I do?
If your penis could speak, what would it tell us?I can guess it would be saying something like, ‘I’m scared stiff, ‘or should I say, scared unstiff!As you may or may not know, a man cannot become erect if he is frightened or worried. In the state of stress or fear, the body switches into what’s called the sympathetic mode. The chemicals that are released in this mode make an erection impossible.So, first you need to understand that your penis is becoming limp in a twisted attempt to protect you. ‘If I can’t have intercourse with her then I will be safe. No sex, no relationship, no heartbreak.’So, in a funny way your penis is trying to protect you.The sad thing here is that you are dying by your own sword, no pun intended. Your penis’ plan is to end the relationship before she can get around to doing it. And, this won’t do.To get past this debilitating symptom of your fear, you have to work through the trauma that you have suffered. Your wife’s walking out has really damaged you, and you haven’t healed that wound yet. Until you own your feelings and talk about them, your penis will continue to speak your feelings of grief and fear for you.So, my advise is to find a therapist and start talking. This will help you bury the past and learn to trust again. In therapy you will also want to compare this new woman to your ex. Look for indications that she is different from your ex.If you are very honest with yourself, you may even realize that your ex. showed signs, even as far back as when you were dating, that she was the type to let you down or leave you. You may also realize that you overlooked the warning signs, hoping for the best. (See my Advice Archives under Repetition Compulsion and Unfinished Business to understand why we pursue dead-end or dangerous relationships in the hope of healing childhood wounds.)The point is, if you realize that you did, in fact, overlook clues about your wife, you can choose to enter this new relationship with your eyes wide open. Study your new girl with a cold eye. See if she shows signs that she is similar to your ex.Does she act on her anger by dropping people?Does she have a history of many failed relationships?Is she the one who always leaves the other?When you look at your new love with a critical eye, you should be able to ease your mind a great deal. Set out to prove to yourself how she differs from your ex. By doing so, the part of you that is afraid to be dumped again should be appeased.Discovering the differences between your new lover and your ex. and working through the loss of your marriage should fix your penis right up–literally.While you are working on these issues, however, try not to put pressure on your penis. You need to tell yourself and ‘him’: ‘If I get hard, fine, if I don’t that ‘s all right too. ‘When you explain to your new lover what’s going on with you, she will not need to take the problem personally (worrying that she’s isn’t attractive to you, etc). This should enable her to be patient and understanding.Both of you need to get it into your heads–and I do mean your big heads–that erections, penises and penetration are a small part of lovemaking. And, yes, many women could live on oral sex which, in most cases, yields greater pleasure and orgasms than intercourse.So, talk about the loss of your wife, discover the differences between your ex. and your lover. And, both of you make sure to take the pressure off your penis. When you do, your body will switch into the parasympathetic mode, the mode that you need to be in to get an erection.Let me know how you do.
