My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. When we started dating we decided to hold off till the time was right to have sex, which turned out to be about three months.For a while it was great, then she got pregnant, and decided without my consent she had an abortion. I was adopted as a child so this really hurt me.But I got over it, things seemed to be fine for a while, but slowly but surely sex became non-exsistant. Till about a month ago, she tells me that she wants to stop haveing sex all together, this wouldn’t be so bad, if she showed even one ounce of attraction, I mean when I try to kiss her she pulls away, I try to hold her she shrugs me off. I don’t need sex but I do enjoy it, and when I am with the person that I love, I don’t feel guilty about haveing sex with them.I think the problem stems from the abortion, will she always be this fridged? What can I do to help her get out of this funk? and show her attraction to me? This has been troubleing me, I don’t know how long I should put up with a girl who shows no attraction towards me.
I think that you are right that the abortion is realted to your girlfriend’s sudden disinterest in sex or any physical contact that might lead to sex. The question is what to do about this understanding.The only hope of resolving the issue is to talk about it. I wouldn’t even talk about the lack of sex just yet. To do so is only focusing on the symptom–her lack of sexual interest is the symptom of a deeper issue which is her unresolved feelings about the abortion.So don’t talk about sex or make her feel pressured to change. Just start by saying,’I have noticed that you’ve turned off to me since the abortion and I wonder if you have any idea why?’ I imagine that she is feeling guilty over having had the abortion. She may feel terrified to become pregnant again. She may feel angry with you for having made her pregnant.As you listen to her feelings, remember that feelings aren’t wrong or right. They are irrational and just need to be heard and understood. My book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will help you perfect your listening skills, which are vital in this case.Once you get her talking, the healing should come. If she isn’t willing to do this work with you, then you can go to a couples therapist and have that person help you navigate the discussion. If she refuses to get help, then the ball is in your court and you are going to have to decide how little you are willing to accept.Time will not resolve her feelings, so sitting back and waiting for her to get over it isn’t the answer. If she won’t go and talk to a therapist, then you need to assume that what you see is what you get, it won’t change, and she will remain frozen in this place until she takes active steps to heal.As long as she’s working on the issues and moving forward, you will probably feel all right about sticking with her, but if you see that she is frozen and won’t do anything to unstick herself, then you will probably need to move on.