I have a bit of dilemma. A year and a half ago I moved to another country, where I still am. About a month before moving I started seeing this girl, and although nothing ever happened she kept asking if I would change my mind and not go (I couldn’t due to neccessity formy career).After I left I felt things were left hanging in the airbecause we never discussed where our relationship was going. I cameback to visit her after 3 months, and was shocked to discover she hadstarted a relationship with a guy she had known 4 years. Obviously Iwas a bit upset but I dealt with it, because I wanted to be friends.Then this year she asked me to go travelling with her in south america, which I ended up doing and I am now worried because I realised I hadn’t gotten over her at all and like her far too much. I have been mising her all the time since I last saw her.I am moving back to my home country in 6 months, and don’t know what to do. I want to stay friends with her, but am worried it is going to stop me movingon and meeting someone else. On the other hand we get on so amazingly well, and I don’t want to lose her friendship. There is no visible sign she is going to finish with her boyfriend, so I think we will never become more than friends.What can I do in this situation? Not beingin the same country has meant I can keep her at arms length and nothave to deal with the situation, but when I move back to my home country I won’t be able to avoid the situation very easily (especiallysince her boyfriend works in the same place as me).How can I get past the feelings I have for her whilst remaning friends? I really don’t know what to do.Thanks
You are in a tough bind. People often ask me how they can rid themselves of unwanted feelings. Feelings have a life a their own and you can’t make them go away. All you can do is study your feelings and try to understand where they are coming from.While you can’t help how you feel about this woman, you do have control over your behavior. Certain choices will lessen your feelings for her her, while others will intensify them.Having an ongoing close friendship with her will certain fan the flame of your feelings for her, so you are going to need to decide whether you are willing to tolerate the frustration that you are going to feel by maintaining a friendship with her. Only you can say whether the gains outweigh the discomfort.As for your other concern, that you won’t be able to move on and find another woman, you need to listen to this fear. Your fear is actually an unconscious wish not to move on. I understand that you love her and that you don’t want to let her go.How would you feel about putting your cards on the table and telling her exactly how you feel. So long as you don’t come clean with her you can live with the eternal hope that you might have a future with her. There is always a chance that she might be feeling what you feel, and that would be wonderful. If, on the other hand, she tells you that there is no hope for the two of you, that could help you to move forward let go of some of your more romantic feelings for her.You also would be wise to examine whether there is a part of you that is afraid to get close to another person. Remaining attached to someone that you can’t have can sometimes signal a fear of allowing oneself to attach to someone that you can have! I have given you lots of angles to explore. Let me know what happens.