Definitely need advice. My husband has been on Tranxene’s for that last 20 yrs. He is also on high blood pressure medication. We all know hose two meds, can deprive an encounter in the bedroom. He just recently had another anxiety attack, and the drs. are weaning him off of Tranxene but replacing it with Zoloft and Xanax.I have told him there are other ways to have sex, but he’s so dormant, and I feel I have no life. We are in our late 50’s. We have had no conversation for years. He is now retired, working as a consultant, for a company out of state. He can’t do that as he came home with this new anxiety problem. All he has done, for the last 2 yrs, is watch T, V. , nap or read.I want more. I am a go getter, but I don’t want to get him anymore. He is a good father and provider. I am at wits end. My interests became his and he follows me to my functions.I need space. My daughters (grown) are my only conversation as well as friends. I am so lonely. I didn’t think older age would be like this. Of course, my daughters won’t listen but my friends do. But it doesn’t fix my needs.First of all, how do I get conversation, into our relation (other than the good dinner I cooked). And, how do I restore, a mediocre sex life, back into my life. we talk about animals, because that ‘s my interest.But, he doesn’t talk about himself, except for the jobs he’s done in the past. He’s a carpenter. He does good for everybody else, but, not our home. Please get back with me. I have you on radio, but you’re so young, that I’m really surprised I’m writing.P. S. Candles absolutely, does not work.
Whoever you’re listening to on the radio isn’t I. For one thing, I’m not so young; for another, I wouldn’t recommend candles as a solution to the complex relationship disturbance that you are experiencing! As for your relationship issue, what strikes me is how terribly starved you are in this relationship. You’re starved for sex, conversation, and satisfying companionship. What strikes me also is that you keep returning to a well that you know is dry. You know your husband isn’t capable of giving what you need, yet you keep banging your head on the wall, backing up and banging your head again. What I see is that your husband is totally unmotivated to improve his circumstances. I have the impression that there are many factors that have been overlooked with regard to his emotional and physical condition. For example, recent research shows that adrenal fatigue causes lack of sex drive as well as depression and anxiety. Your husband is on drugs that treat his emotional symptoms, but are not addressing the cause of these symptoms. Other research has shown a link between heavy metal toxicity (we accumulate metals inside our body from drinking water, eating certain types of fish, and even from our dental fillings), elevated blood pressure, and fatigue. Your husband needs to see a holistic doctor who will study his entire condition. ACAM (American Council of Alternative Medicine) maintains a list of doctors who practice alternative medicine. If he’s truly too physically tired and/or emotional disabled to do anything for himself, then you can ask him if he’d like you to help him get help. If he says he wants your assistance, he needs to promise to follow through on your leads. Improving his medical condition will help, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your husband won’t be quick to take the help. I say this because I sense that your husband ‘s lack of responsiveness to you goes way beyond physical exhaustion. In fact, I suspect that his lack of initiative is an indirect expression of angry feelings that he isn’t directly communicating. You, yourself, pointed out that there are other ways to have contact besides intercourse. The fact that he doesn’t have any physical contact with you seems withholding. People who have a passive-aggressive personality disorder don’t directly communicate their anger and instead withhold what the other person wants, as a way of releasing their anger indirectly. If you read your letter to me, you will see that you are locked in a power struggle with your husband. He withholds what you want on all levels and, without realizing it, you are playing into his hands by continually asking him for what you know he won’t give. The more he knows you want ‘it, ‘ the more he won’t give to you. By continually returning to the empty well, you are actually engaged in a masochistic and self-destructive pattern in which you volunteer for another dose of emotional deprivation. The way to break free of this pattern is for you stop giving him the power to disappoint you. Stop giving him the power to feed or starve you. Stop being so dependent on him as your only source of nourishment. In short, stop trying to get blood from a stone. Look to other people to meet your need for emotional intimacy. When you let go, he is going to become unbalanced and very nervous. He is going to see that he can’t get to you any longer. He is going to worry that he’s losing you and he is going to come toward you and be more responsive. He will only be responsive when you deprive him of the gratification of depriving you. So back off and watch the miracles unfold. Once he comes toward you, beware of the fact that he still has a passive-aggressive personality, which means that he will always tend to withhold when he’s angry at you, and you will soon feel starved again. Reconstructing the passive aggressive aspect of his personality is the only long term solution. To do this, encourage him to tell you directly whenever he’s mad at you. You can also call him on his withholding behavior by saying, ‘I notice you aren’t talking to me (or whatever else he’s doing to withhold), so I guess you’re mad about something. Do you want to tell me directly?’By encouraging him to talk to you and by removing any rewards he obtains by releasing his anger indirectly by withholding, you are on the path to creating a long term solution to your problem.
