Dr. Love,I have never asked questions to professionals before, but I can’t find an answer to the way I’m feeling. I recently moved to another country to be with my boyfriend. We have plans on getting married and his family and friends love me. I have two years of college, but I took this semester off.My boyfriend is still going to school, and I don’t know why, but I just constantly worry about girls hitting on him, or him flirting with girls. I have expressed this to him, and he tells me that there is no need for me to feel this way because he is totally in love with me and plans on spending the rest of his life with me.He says he isnt looking for anyone else and wouldn’t hurt me or our relationship by doing that. I know he is telling the truth. He is so good to me.I just would love to know how to make or help the jealousy go away. If you have any suggestions, by all means, let me know. I would greatly appreciate it.Thank you.
Your jealousy is a symptom of a deeper issue, which is the fear of being abandoned. In other words, when you fear that your boyfriend is being hit on, what you really fear is that he will become involved with someone else and leave you. As you now see, the real issue is your abandonment terror.Now that we know what the problem is, the next step is to figure out why you expect to be abandoned. I suspect that your fear of abandonment as an adult is caused by your having been abandoned as a young child. Think back to your early years. Who loved you and then pulled that love away? Come up with a pertinent memory and the feelings attached to that memory.As you will soon realize, your present day fear is an echo of your past pain and fear. Once you know the source of your wound, you can heal the wound by talking about it. Talking in individual and/or group therapy is a good place to work through the hurt, anger, and fear that you surely feel.When you heal the original wound, you will no longer be plagued by uncontrollable jealousy toward your boyfriend.