I have been going with this girl for about 3 years of and on. This last time I lived with her for a year and a half. She has a little girl 4 years old who I’m very close to. I was with her more than anybody.We both lost our jobs about the same time, mine due to a work injury. We were stressed out and I was getting depressed. I finally got help for that but it was too late. She told me to get out and when I was in the hospital she got rid of my stuff. I still can talk to her and she talk to me just not about us.She said not to bug her so i haven’t called in about 3 days. I wrote her a 20 page letter letting know how I feel and miss her and her little girl, how I want to put back our family. I want to call her but I want her to have her space right now. What else can I do to get my family back!We were engaged back on Valentine’s Day. She was so happy and glad. I finally asked, then after 3 months she called it off. We got back together for 3 more months, now she said we can be just friends and talk to each other as long as I don’t mention us or getting back together.I’m confused. Yesterday I called her and she didn’t answer, probably sleeping, but I left a simple message wishing her happy birthday and left it at that. I haven’t heard from her but I am not going to call her for a few more days maybe.
What a sad story. It feels like she’s tied your hands.Since she said don’t mention getting back together, you need to respect her request. However, you need to understand that every action, in this action, her decision to end the relationship and not consider resuming it, is motivated by all kinds of thoughts and feelings. When the feelings and thoughts are thoroughly discussed, a person has a chance to resolve them, and, therefore, doesn’t need to take action. She didn’t talk to you, so she took action instead.This means that there is a chance that if we get her talking about how she felt about you and the relationship, and especially get her talking about her negative feelings, the talking will resolve the feelings and she may become willing to try again.The key is to encourage her to talk about the feelings that prompted her command that you not ask about getting back together while not making her feel that you are violated her demand and asking her to try again.Here’s the tricky part: When to talk to her, she needs to feel that you are respecting her edict and not pressuring her to change her mind. Instead, she needs to feel that you are just trying to the goal of understand her and her feelings.To achieve this, you might say:’I want you to know that I intend to honor your wishes. I won’t pressure you to get back together with me. What I would like is to understand the thoughts and feelings that led you to end our relationship. And what made you not want to get back together.Since I love you, it’s important to me to understand what’s going on inside you. Tell her also that you have the feeling that she had a lot of negative feelings toward you that she didn’t say; and that they eventually built up to the point that she wanted out. You would like her to tell you those negative feelings that she was too polite to say before.Have her tell you what did and didn’t do right with her. Listen, repeat back what she says to show you’ve heard her, and, above all, don’t defend or justify yourself. Also explore whether she didn’t want to try again with you because she’s afraid that you’ll let her down again.So, in other words, is her wall a protection against being hurt by you in the future. Whatever she tells you, thank her for her honesty and tell her you’d like to hear more. If you do this, you will be doing everything in your power to get back together. There’s a very good chance that several discussions of this kind will do the trick.Wait for her to say she wants to try again. If it turns out that there is too much water under the bridge, then I’m sorry for you. At the very least, the conversations will provide you with feedback that will help you be a better partner next time around.
