Dearest Dr. Love,Allow me to let you know how truly wonderful I think you are for caring and for helping those who hopelessly need some sound advice. Your compassion and kindness shine right through the answers you give us. Thank you. . .I hope you won’t be too disturbed by my e-mail and I hope that you will choose to help me, I feel so hopeless. . . I am a 23-year-old young lady who grew up in a very violent home. My very old-fashioned father was emotionally and physically abusive with my mother and with us kids. ‘Hell’ is the perfect word to describe my childhood.I left the house about a year ago to go live on my own and study in a University that’s 2 hours away from where my parents live. It’s a miracle that my dad even let me go.I told myself that I will never let him hurt me like he used to do when I was a sweet little girl, but of course, it’s easier said than done. He does respect me more than he does my mother and my brother and sisters. They are so unhappy and so depressed but they don’t have the strength and the courage to do anything about it. They’re scared of my dad.My mother is a devout and scared Christian who does not believe in divorce. I often feel that my mother, brother and sisters blame me for leaving them and for trying to do something with my life.They don’t understand that it’s a big responsability to pay bills and rent and make sure I have enough money to eat and pay for tuition. And they don’t see that I have insomnia, and a stomach ulcer and depression because I worry to death about their safety and their happiness. I love them all so much and I understand that they need a Savior to rescue them and make everything alright, but unfortunately I don’t have the strength to do it anymore.I feel so drained. . . I don’t even know what’s keeping me for taking away my on life, maybe it’s my guardian angel. I hate my father for screwing me up so much and for hurting me so bad. I can never forget the torture and injustices I went through, and as I get older and discover more about myself, I realize just how badly he damaged me. . .My self-esteem is dead, I am so very harsh and hard with myself, I have a binge-eating disorder. . . There is only one thing that somewhat brings me temporary happiness, and that is the much older married man that I see only once a week for a couple of hours. He is gentle with me and he seems to care about me, but I don’t tell him about my hurts and pains because I know he has enough to worry about in his own life.He accepts me physically the way I am, with the extra pounds and all. It hurts terribly to only be able to spend such a short time with him and to talk for a few minutes on the phone twice a week and it hurts even more to know that he still makes love to his wife (he still loves her apparently, and he says she is the nicest woman he knows).I feel terribly guilty for being with a married man, and I am so scared that someone finds out about us. My dad would literally kill me if ever he found out, because to him a girl must remain a virgin until she gets married.Life is not easy, . . . I don’t see the point of living anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. . . I take Paxil 30mg/day, but I still have suicidal thoughts and I cry often.I need a miracle, I want all this pain to end for my mother, my sisters, my brother and I. Please, Dr. Love, if there is anything you suggest I do, please let me know. Should I leave the man I’m with? Should I keep visiting my family every second week-end or should I isolate myself from everyone?. . .Thank you kindly for your precious time.Hoping for a miracle. . .
I am very sorry that sex is so painful for you now. You said that you also aren’t experiencing pleasure. First let me tell you that pain during intercourse blocks a person’s ability to feel pleasure. It’s impossible to feel pleasure when you are hurting!So we need to figure out why you are in pain and resolve that. Then I am confident that you will be able to have pleasure with him.The first thing we need to verify is that you are adequately aroused prior to intercourse. That is, does he give you enough foreplay (kissing and manual and oral stimulation) prior to coming inside you? Are you wet BEFORE he enters you?If foreplay is inadequate, if you aren’t properly aroused and if you aren’t wet enough, intercourse will be painful.If you assure me that there is adequate foreplay and that you are sufficiently aroused, then let’s discuss physical conditions that could be causing you to experience painful intercourse.Many conditions such as a bladder or vaginal infections can cause painful intercourse. With a bladder infection, you would have burning and stinging upon urination and frequency (meaning you have to pee often). In addition to discomfort, vaginal infections often (but not always) are accompanied by discharge that can have a bad smell. There are two other conditions called interstitial cystitis and pelvic floor disorder, both of which cause painful intercourse. Interstitial cystitis is inflammation of the tissue surrounding the bladder and vagina. IC often accompanies other conditions such as chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, both of which are commonly triggered by various viral or bacterial infections such as Lyme’s Disease or EBV virus.Pelvic floor disorder is caused by spasm and pain of the region, which also leads to painful intercourse. Oftentimes, this condition is the result of sexual abuse or traumatic injury to the area.To be diagnosed and, if needed, treated for these conditions, see a urologist and/or gynecologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. I have found that acupuncture is also very helpful.Oh, and his “small” penis is certainly not the cause of your pain. As for your fear that your lack of pleasure is due to his small penis, rest assured. Your pain is causing lack of pleasure, not his penis, which I’m sure is adequate. It’s a myth that a woman can only have pleasure with a large penis. In fact, large penises often hurt a woman and smaller penises are more comfortable! So don’t worry about his size. Just bone up on your foreplay and, if needed, resolve any medical conditions. Then brace your Bridget for all the pleasure that will be coming your way.Please follow up with me and let me know how you do.