Dear Dr. Love,I used to go out with this guy 5 years ago, I have been in love with him for about 6 years now. About 6 months ago we started talking and kind of seeing one another however he is engaged and he tells me he really likes me and wants to have sexual relations, and oral sex. He says he is afraid that his fiancee will find out if he does these things. . I am so much in love with him I would do anything for him. . . Please help me!!!!!Hopeless
You do sound hopeless. My answer will only focus on helping you to take charge of your life.The first step in this process is to say to yourself, ‘I am the author of my fate. There are no victims, only volunteers.’ I know that you feel helpless to change your situation, and nothing is going to modify in your life until you own the fact that you have volunteered for the role of human punching bag. You must tell yourself that you are only as stuck as you want to be.I have known women who have had no money and a bunch of kids, and they have chosen to live on welfare rather than stay with an abuser. You must see that you have choices. If you don’t see your choices, then you need to understand why you need to feel like a stuck, helpless victim who must stay with someone who trashes her and the kids.If you’ve been reading my column for a while, you know that we humans like to stick with what we know. If you were raised with abusive parents, this will seem normal to you. You will feel that this is your lot in life, and you will marry and stay with an abuser, because abuse is what you know and all that you believe you deserve. In order to break free of the battered child/battered spouse syndrome, you need to get help.The first step is to join a support group. With a group of people behind you, you will start to see yourself and your lot in life very differently. As you change, your husband is probably going to realize that you aren’t going to put up with his garbage any more. I have seen this happen a thousand times. As the battered spouse gets stronger, the batterer backs down. Mind you, the goal here isn’t about finding a way of changing him. You need to grow and change. When you do, he will probably shift. By that time, you won’t feel that you can’t live without him any longer, and you probably won’t even want to be with him any more.But all this is down the line. First get working on yourself. Heal your childhood wounds and you will see that what you will tolerate and what you demand for yourself will change drastically. Keep me posted on your progress.