hi im 20 years old and im having problems with my boyfriend. we used to cuddle all the time and actually do stuff together but for a while now he always pushes me away when i go to give him a hug or a kiss.this is really frustrating me and i would lke some advice in what i should do. our sex lives are going down hill as well i mean we never have sex barely ever and its starting to drive me crazy. please give me some good advice. thanks.
Your boyfriend is behaving in a passive-aggressive way, which means that he is expressing his angry feelings toward you by withholding what you want, namely hugs and sex. Your only option is to get him to own up to his anger and to put it into words rather than in actions.You have many ways to accomplish this. You can ask him questions in which you spark his own self-awareness regarding what he is feeling. For example, you might say,’Do you know what you are feeling toward me when you push me away and when you avoid sex?’You can also use your own feelings as a segue into getting him to discuss his. To do this, you would say,’Should I be feeling dropped by you when you refuse hugs or sex?’ Or ‘How do you want me to feel when you refuse hugs and sex?’ Or ‘What is the message that you are sending me when you refuse hugs or sex?’All of these questions are designed to get him talking about and hopefully resolving whatever is infuriating him. Keep in mind that this isn’t an easy problem to solve because passive-aggressive behavior is actually part of a person’s character. This means that it is normal and automatic for people with passive-aggressive personalities to withhold when angry.To modify character structure is time-consuming and usually needs to happen in therapy. What’s more, the person has to motivated to change his/her character, otherwise no progress will result.In order to be motivated to change, the person must realize that staying the same will cause him or her a lot of pain–for example because passive-aggressive behavior breaks relationships, the passive-aggressive risks ending up alone. Maybe putting the fear of God into him will motivate him to look at himself.Another technique you might use to help him to own his anger and talk about it, is for you to encourage him to tell you his negative feelings and even to point the finger at you. For example, you might say,’Your behavior toward me is very angry. I must be doing something very wrong to piss you off that much. What am I doing?’If you can get him talking, and keep talking, the passive-aggressive behavior should diminish and the sex and hugs should increase.