My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 months. I love him and he loves me. He’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.At the beginning of our relationship, we were very intimate. Now, 5 months in, we’ve had sex 4 days out of 20. But when he wants sex, he goes for it. If I want sex, I try, but get nowhere…and he’s either’too tired’ or just doesn’t seem too interested.Other than that, I’m scared he might not be attracted to me as much as he was. I’m scared I’m too fat or something. Other than the intimacy, our relationship is great.What can I do? Having sex is important in a relationship, isn’t it? I’m finding myself getting so horny lately, but when I caress him and feel like making love, it’s like he doesn’t want to, but if he feels the need, he just goes for it – no questions asked – even if he wakes me up to do it.I don’t want to have to ask him to have sex. What can I do? What can I say?
The problem here has nothing to do with you (your being too fat or less attractive to him). We know he’s attracted to you, otherwise he wouldn’t approach you for sex.No, the problem isn’t a lack of sexual attraction, it’s a psychological issue with which he is struggling. Let me explain.It is normal for each of us to develop a sense of self that is strong and separate from others. When we are infants, sense of self doesn’t exist. The baby is one with the mother at first, and then gradually separates physically and psychologically.If the self develops properly, the person comes to feel confident that his self is strong, and that his ego boundaries are clear; he can then be close to others without being destroyed or eaten alive. If something goes wrong in the development of self; if, for example, the child has a very controlling, overbearing parent, who doesn’t allow the child to spread his wings and become his own person, then that child’s self will not develop properly.As an adult, he/she will have difficulty in allowing certain forms of closeness, especially closeness intiated by another person, which leaves him out of control and in danger. Your boyfriend is afraid to allow you to call the sexual shots, because his self feels endangered when you take control of him.This fear is completely unconscious, and if you told him that this is what is going on, he would laugh in your face. But, trust me, his fear of being taken over and annihilated is what is causing his behavior.What can you do? This is a tough problem because he really needs to be in therapy to heal his fragile self. If you can get him into couples therapy, that might help.Meanwhile, you can try to give him an emotionally corrective experience which consists of telling him that you still love him even if he says no. Surely his mother (or father) crippled his sense of self by making him do what they wanted or else. He needs to be able to say no and not feel threatened or manipulated.If you can do this for a little while, he may be able to heal. If he doesn’t come around after a reasonable time, then you may be dealing with really damaged goods. In which case, you will need to have him work on this in therapy.If he won’t get help, then you will need to look into yourself and decide whether or not you can overlook his problem and take sex on his terms. If you can’t, then you will have to move on.
