My boyfriend of four years has been looking at a lot of porn lately, it’s like every time I leave the room he is looking at it and plesuring himself. As soon as I go to sleep he is watching it again. He never tries to put moves on me.When I try to put the moves on him he pushes me away. It’s like he would rather pleasure himself rather than make love to me. So I am just wondering what I should do.
The first thing you need to know is that behavior is a communication. When feelings aren’t put into words, they invariably end up getting communicated through behavior.What feeling does his behavior communicate? Anger with a capital A. By refusing to give you sex and by giving himself pleasure right under your nose, he is saying screw you. The fact that he has only recently started watching porn and giving himself pleasure, while refusing you sex means that something that you have said or done recently has been the trigger for his angry feelings.Don’t mistake me. Angry feelings are inevitable in relationships and it to be expected that you will say and do many things now and in the future that may anger him. The feelings are fine. What isn’t fine and what become very problematic for a relationship is when feelings aren’t properly handled.That’s what seems to be the issue here: He doesn’t know how to communicate his angry feelings properly, so he’s paying you back by withholding sex. What we need to do is get him to put his angry feelings into words, not deeds. To do this, you can say, ‘I notice that you have been refusing me sex lately and that you prefer to give yourself pleasure instead.When a person doesn’t want to give to his girlfriend, it’s a sign that he’s mad at her. What have I done to make you not want to give to me?’When he tells you, listen, repeat back what you hear, and thank him for his honesty. Then try to be responsive to him in terms of doing what he wants and/or not doing what he has told you upsets him.When he feels responded to by you, his anger toward you will diminish and you should see a greater willingness on his part to give you the sex you want and deserve.
