Dear Dr. Love:I really hope you choose my question because I am agonizing over this and I really just don’t have the money to get help…My boyfriend and i have been together for 6 1/2 months and we are as happy as any couple could be. After 3 months of dating, we started to say ‘I love you.’ to each other. We said this on a mutual basis for about a month.After a month of ‘I love you,’ he told me that he’s not sure if he in fact loves me. He said that he’s never been in love before and that he just isn’t sure if he has those feelings for me. After we spoke about it, we concluded that we would both refrain from using ‘I love you’ and we haven’t said it since! But the truth is that I love him and him telling me this hurt so much.Now 3 months later, I am wondering if maybe his feelings have changed–once again, our relationship is wonderful. We talk about our most hidden secrets and we are very open with each other. Is it possible that after he told me he did not love me that he may fall in love, or was it too late? Is it inappropriate for me to ask him about it now? Our relationship has everything it needs, except sometimes I just need to be told that I am loved and I’m scared that he won’t ever fall in love with me.I should also mention that he is an over-thinker….he thinks about every little things and searches for an explanation for everything. It’s almost as though unless he can find a reason for something, he doesn’t believe it….I’m begging you, please help me. I don’t have anywhere else to turn. Thank you.Sincerely, Heartbroken
It is so painful to feel that your love isn’t returned. You sound affectionate and loveable, and if your boyfriend can’t return your love, then, I suspect he has the issue. But what is his problem?Your boyfriend seems unsure of his inner feelings–first he loves you, then he doesn’t. This can be due to two causes. Either, he never experienced love as a kid and he doesn’t know what the feeling feels like, hence his confusion. Or, he is terrified of intimacy, hence a fear of admitting that he loves. Which of the two problems is he suffering from? The only way we will know is to talk more with him.Ask him questions such as: At one time you thought you loved me, then you weren’t sure. What changed? Was there something I said or did that caused your feelings for me to lessen? Was there something that shifted inside you? You might also ask him what he thinks would happen to him if he allowed himself to love you. Does he think he would lose his freedom? See my Advice Archives for more discussion on why many people are terrified of intimacy and what deep psychological issues are involved.Bottom line, when you talk to him you must convey two messages:1) You are not pressuring him to tell you that he loves you. If he feels pressured, he will close up tighter than a clam; and2) You must convey the message that you simply want to understand him better. So, you will probably need to begin the discussion with something like: \I’m not asking you to tell me that you love me…I just want to understand you better.\This will be hard for you because, you obviously have your own agenda, to know whether he loves you or not. But, if he is afraid of intimacy, then pressuring him will make the problem worse. As long as he is willing to talk with you and discuss his fears and reluctance, he should be able to work through his issues.If, however, he experiences discussion as to invasive, then, you may need to back-off and not attempt to discuss the matter with him. In some cases, the back off provides sufficient breathing room so that the other person comes to feel that a relationship isn’t that dangerous or threatening after all. If you find that a back-off is the only solution with this guy, then you must set an end date.That is, you will give him so much time to come around, and if he doesn’t by that date, then it will be up to you to fish or cut bait. Good luck. Let me know what happens.
