My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years and are planning on getting married in the near future. Our issue is that he won’t physically touch me sexually or affectionately. He says that I am pressuring him when I intitiate anything.A year ago, he went thru a depression and says he is better now. I supported him within the last year and didn’t force the issue but I have a need to be touched.How can we resolve this issue so that I am not pressuring him? He says he is still interested and that he loves me.
Your boyfriend has deep seated problems that aren’t going to resolve without what is called intrapsychic therapy or modern psychoanlysis, which traces the cause of symptom (his refusal to have physical contact) back to its childhood origins and then works at resolving the original wound.Even without knowing him I can be fairly certain of the reason why he is shrinking from physical contact with you. I can bet that he had an overbearing, intrusive, controlling mother or father and, as a result, his self never developed normally. He never developed a healthy and mature identity that would enable him to stand his ground and still be close to another. For him, closeness means being crushed.The result of all this is a terror of allowing anyone to get too close to him. To him, letting himself merge with another through such intimate physical contact means that he will literally be devoured and his self will disappear–this is tantamount to death!Holding back physically and refusing your advances is the way that he unconsciously protects his self. The question is what can you do with this information. You can point the problem out to him and tell him that it will only be resolved through treatment. If he gets help, it is still going to be a long road and you are going to need to decide if this is a road you want to travel.In addition, couples therapy can help in that you can work together to help him see you as his friend, not his engulfing and controlling mother. This type of work would consist of the patient talking about his thoughts, feelings, and fears, and your reassuring him that he can still be himself with you.Let me know how you make out.