My husband and I have been married for almost 26 years, but been together about 30 years. Had 2 children, ages 24 and 20.My biggest problem is that I feel like a ‘nothing’ in this relationship because when my husband is home from work, the TV comes on and he could careless about anything but that. He doesn’t want to talk to me and I am a very, very talkative person and love laughing. He hardly ever will talk to me, let alone discuss his feelings or thoughts with me, which makes me feel like a ‘nothing.It tears me up inside. I need RESPECT and ATTENTION! ! What should I do? We were separated for 3 years, no relationships for either during that time.I left but couldn’t let go of all the years we spent together, but really not happy here. What should I do?Thank you.
You are in a deadlock that consists of you begging for more attention and his refusing it. I am sure that you have told him how you feel and I assume that he isn’t responsive. He behavior is one big ‘FU.’His behavior is fueled by tremendous anger that isn’t being discussed. Feelings that aren’t talked about go underground and resurface in various inconsiderate and hostile behaviors. The way he ignores your feelings and treats you as invisible is the ultimate expression of anger.If you can get him to own his anger and talk about it, there’s a good chance that he will stop acting out the anger. Here’s one way to get him talking. Describe his behavior and tell him that you are getting the message that he’s furious with you. Ask him to tell you what it is that makes him so mad at you.Listen, reflect back what you hear, don’t justify or defend yourself, and leave it at that. Ask him also what you could do or say to make him feel more satisfied with you. I know this sounds like an odd way to handle the problem since you probably aren’t feeling like giving him anything at all.Keep in mind that giving to him is a good way of breaking the deadlock that you are in. He doesn’t want to give to you because he.s mad at you. You rag on him and he gets madder and feels more ungiving. When you come to him in a different way, not demanding for yourself, but asking what you can do to give to him, he will feel given to by you and more in the mood of giving back to you.In other words, giving to him (inviting him to talk about his anger and asking what you can do to make him feel better) is actually giving to yourself. Let me know how you guys progress after you take the above steps.
