Dr. Love Please help! I am in a relationship with a man for 5 years and he’s asked me to marry him. That’s not the problem. . . I am starting to question his sexuality. . . there is NO foreplay when we make love. . . No Oral sex No Kissing. . . he said he didn’t want the juices to get in his mouth from kissing or oral sex. . . so I told him I am more turned on from getting my neck and back kissed, then he said he would do it but he want do it because I just need to shut up about it and he can do it. . . he is even uncomfortable if I watch a movie with sex in the movie. . . If I say his body looks nice he gets uncomfortable. . . I am tired of asking him for these things and have been seriously thinking about cheating. He is with me most of the time and I don’t think he is seeing another woman. . . but he has a male friend that I have never met that sounds gay when he calls the house. . . and I said to him the guy sounds gay. So the guy doesn’t call there anymore. My Fiance has a very nice body and is very anal about the way he looks. I am truly frustrated with this. . I love him but I need attention he is 32 years old and I am 38 years old. He said sex is not important in a relationship and I know it’s not the most important thing but it is in the top ten. Plus when we do have sex he only lasts for a few minutes and then falls asleep and doesn’t want do it again until a few weeks later. . . he treats sex like it a job. Please Help!
It sounds as though you are hoping that I will magically change your fiance. The fact is that no one can change him, not you, not I. Only he can change himself, and he clearly isn’t looking to do this. He has sexual inhibitions of various kinds as well as aversions to body fluids. What’s more, he is behaving in a hostile, witholding way toward you. You are like a prison inmate. He’s the boss man and all you can do is beg for crumbs (that he kiss your back and neck). Meanwhile, he hears your requests as commands. He responds with anger and tells you that if you would just ‘ shut up’ that he would kiss you the way you want. The message he is sending you is that he is too angry to respond when he feels told what to do. Clearly he sees you as his commanding, controlling mother, which whom he surely has unresolved issues. That’s his story. The big question is why you want to stay engaged to someone who treats you so miserably. You said you are thinking of cheating. Why aren’t you thinking of ending the relationship? The fact that you would contemplate staying and cheating tells me that you think that you need to stay tied to someone who mistreats you. The only reason you would think this is because you were abused, deprive, and/or neglected as a child. Read my Advice Archives under unfinished business and repetition compulsion in order to understand what your unconscious mind hopes to gain by sticking with this man. Above all else, don’t think that cheating will be a solution to your problem. If you decide that you can’t tolerate the relationship as it is, then get out, don’t cheat.
