Hi, Dr. Love.I find your answers so compassionate that I thought I’d ask you for some wisdom about a relationship problem I’m having. I am a 35-yr-old with a lot going for her. I’ve been divorced for a year and don’t have a problem getting dates. Unfortunately, I am sterile (premature ovarian failure) and pregnancy is out of the question, barring some sort of miracle, although I’d love to adopt.I’ve hesitated to get involved with anyone. Recently, I thought I’d met the perfect guy: fun, charming, successful, handsome, etc. He just got divorced. Also, he happened to be adopted, and I thought maybe he’d be more open to the idea of adoption as a result. Well, for one reason or another, I got a period around the time we started dating. He said he was willing to throw caution to the wind because we hoped that I might be able to conceive, so I went off my HRT and we tried.What was I thinking? He said he was sure I was the right woman for him and that we were destined to be together. He also reassured me he’d be open to adoption. Well, I am usually a practical girl, but I saw this as maybe a possibility to get pregnant and let him tell me these things.But the period was just a fluke; I didn’t get another, and my hormones indicated menopause. When we found that out, he took a step back. Instead of talking about a family together, he was telling me we had to go back to casual dating. Although he cared for me, he wasn’t sure he could deal with not having a natural child of his own after all.Meanwhile, I was torn apart with grief; I had hoped so hard for a child that I did not even think about what would happen if it didn’t work out. I guess I didn’t want to jinx it.To make a long story short, we dated for a little while after that, but he would refer often to my infertility and say it was a problem. I also think his very recent divorce has a role in this, but I’m not sure. He was also recently contacted for the first time by some members of his birth family, so maybe that also lent a hand to the confusion.I am not sure what to do with this. I told him I was sterile on the third date, and he says that wasn’t soon enough. I am at a loss as to how to approach this in future relationships.
I am so sorry about your infertility. You will be a wonderful mother. I say ‘will’ be because you are obviously sensitive and caring. You didn’t do a single thing wrong.It sounds to me like you this man’s baggage got the better of you. He said he wanted a child and he rushed into trying to have a baby with a woman who was infertile. When your attempt didn’t work, instead of following through with adoption, he ran away. This guy is highly conflicted regarding whether or not he wants a child and you got the fallout.Telling you that you waited too long to reveal that you are infertile is pure balogna. There are no rules about when to disclose personal information. You need to follow your own heart and say what you feel like saying when it feels right to you to say it.My assessment is that you haven’t found the right person, yet. When you find the right person, he will want to give you the moon and the stars. If a child is what you want, then he will want to give you that too. If adoption is the only way to give you what your heart desires, then he’ll make that his mission.Hold out for Mr. Right. There are 10,000 men out there who are perfectly compatible with you. All you need is one of them to cross your path.By the way, there is a technique that I have used to help thousands of women find their life partners and this techniques has worked in all cases. What you do is write down a biography of your ideal man. List all the traits that you desire, down to the last detail. Post the list on your fridge and bathroom mirror.Doing this exercise isn’t different from a job hunt. You can’t find the job you want before you know what kind of job you’re looking for. It’s the same with a man. The list crystalizes your wishes and helps you recognize Mr. Right when you meet him.Let me know how you make out and if the baby is a girl you can name her after me.