My boyfriend and I argue about the same thing over and over again this has to do with his family he continues to put them before me. I feel at times he makes them more important than me for example we could be in the middle of a conversation and before we are done talking he has the phone in his hand calling one of them.Every day something new is happening where I’m afraid that he is going to be taken from me. When I mention these things to him he gets angry with me. I tried to give him some advice and told him that if he ever wanted to be happy in any relationship that he will have to start living his life and deal with his problems first then help his families problems.I love him and I’M not asking him to give his family up all I’ve ask of him is to think of us first. It might sound as if I like his family but I don’t know them so I cant say that about him. His phone rings as soon as I walk in everyday from work till I go to bed then even when I’M a sleep.Two things I need to know is how do I DEAL with this and if I’M in the wrong in any thing I’ve said to him.
Your boyfriend is very involved with his family, and it sounds like you are afraid to be abandoned by him (You said, and I quote, ‘I’m afraid that he is going to be taken from me’).I suspect that you are no stranger to abandonment, which would explain why you chose a guy who makes you feel second classed and brushed aside. We all gravitate to people and situations that make us feel at home. We do this because familiar pain is more comfortable than the unknown, and because we are trying to heal our childhood wounds by replaying them and–hopefully–achieving a happier ending than the first time around.Your happy ending is to feel loved above all others. The big question is can your boyfriend give you this feeling, which, by the way, is what you are entitled to feel. Since your boyfriend gets so angry with you when you try to tell him how you would like to be treated, you are going to need to read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) in order to learn how to present your issues in a way that doesn’t bruise his ego.When he feels attacked, he becomes angry and defensive. The key to remember before talking with him is: 1) Get a green light from him before you launch on your discussion (ask if now is a good time to talk); 2) Start with a Disclaimer in which you say something positive and supportive about him, in order to help him be open and receptive; 3) Tell him without saying the word you, what was said or done and how you feel about it; and 4) finish with a clear suggestion for what you would prefer in the future.Here’s how the above formula would go: Once you have the green light, say, ‘Honey I know you are a sensitive person and wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me. . . But, when a call is made to the family (I avoided the word you) when I am still talking, I feel brushed aside. In the future, I would prefer that the call isn’t made until I am done.If he is unreceptive to a textbook correct communication, then go to couples therapy and try again in front of a third party. Keep in mind that you have picked a man who is an abandoner and it remains to be seen whether or not you can achieve your happy ending with him.If he loves you and wants to be responsive to your needs, then so long as you talk to him in a way that makes him receptive, not defensive, you should be able to work this out.