After five years of sleeping with my ex boyfriend in hopes that we would get back together, I asked him last week to stop calling me, especially when he was drunk and lonely, I have not heard from him since then.Well he owes me $500, do you think I should call him and ask him for my money? I hate the fact that he owes me money, like it is not humiliating enough that he does not love me enough to want a real relationship with me, on top of that he is keeping my money that I lent him out love and friendship.Or is it best to just walk away and forget about a few dollars?
I felt so sad when I read your letter. There are so many interpretations for why your ex. hasn’t committed to you. How about he’s not capable of a committed relationship because he’s too weak to face all the feelings that relationships trigger (fear of loss, fear of rejection, etc. ).I know that he is afraid to face his feelings because he numbs himself with alcohol. Instead of seeing him for what he is, you have found the one interpretation that succeeds in making you feel even worse about yourself! You say that he isn’t with you because you aren’t loveable enough.How dare you put yourself down like that! Your self esteem is already low enough without your knocking yourself down another notch. I care about how you’re treating yourself.You need to work on healing your low self esteem right now. Let’s start by finding out why your self esteem is so low. Did your mom or dad put you down? Did you watch one of your parents put the other parent down? Did you get left as a kid? Were you ignored?Figuring out the origin of your low self esteem is the first step to healing. Whenever you have a self critical thought, I want you to stop and figure out who’s really talking down to you. I assure you that even though you think that the put downs are yours, they aren’t.We need to find out who’s actually talking to you. Do the put downs that you inflict on yourself sound like something mom or dad said to you? To heal, you need to label the voice that ‘s talking to you and say, ‘Hi mom or hi dad, there you go putting me down again. ‘ Don’t try to stop the voices, just labelling who’s talking to you. In time, observing and labelling the voices will make them go away on their own.As for asking for the money back, you need to choose an option that makes you feel better about yourself. If demanding the money back makes you feel like you are respecting yourself by not letting him walk on you, then that ‘s the right way to go. If having no contact with him (including not speaking with him to ask for your money back), makes you feel better in your own skin, then that ‘s the right choice.They key is for you to treat yourself well and always be in your comfort zone. You aren’t to ever be treated by yourself or by others in a way that doesn’t feel good to you. Let me know how you do.
