I have a dilemma. My bf of 3 yrs. has a ” sister ” (not blood related ) who has been a round for yrs. Back story : first he’s a diabetic, the mother of his 2 girls is no longer in the picture hasn’t been for some years now. Well in the beginning his so called sister would help him with the girls. Oh yes did I mention we live at his parents house. So this sister of his has been an issue for us since the beginning of our relationship. She does not respect boundaries. His parents know that I am uncomfortable with her coming over as much as she does. I could be at work, the grocery store, she comes over, parents already heard us arguing about her , and they still let her in. His mother and father will let her in and then I hear her voice from down the hallway. I have expressed in so many ways that I don’t want her here as much as she comes by. I Don’t like it. once she arrives I make up some reason to leave to the store again or a friend’s house. I know I’m an idiot for that, but he sees it coming from me. I start gathering my purse, phone. He knows I’m about to take off, not once has he got up to stop me. He knows that when she leaves I’ll be back. An argument will occur . I am some what of a doormat. I’ve already expressed to her as well that it bothers me that she comes over. I will not make him choose. Since the obvious decision is already made. What am I doing wrong ? Am I out of Line? I an very understanding but from an outside view if any of my friends was going through this I would have already told them , HE DOESN’T RESPECT THE RELATIONSHIP OR YOUR FEELINGS . YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON . What should I do? Am I asking too much of him to choose?
Wow. What a mess. This is a very odd triangle. You seem to feel threatened by her presence, as though you are in competition with her for your boyfriend’s affection.
It seems to me that he feels indebted to her for having cared for his children. Since she isn’t a blood relative, he could have formed a romantic/intimate relationship with her, but he didn’t. Why didn’t he? Does he truly feel like she is his sister? If so, where’s the competition?
Are you worried that this “sister” is trying to win his affections? Do you feel like she’s trying to be his girlfriend? If that is true, why didn’t he choose her as his girlfriend when he was single, before you came on the scene?
The real issue here is why you feel so distressed by her presence. It seems to me that you are locked into a sibling triangle in which she unconsciously represents a real sister of yours with whom you are competing for your parent’s attention. You are clearly trying to get him (and his parents) to side with you and put this other woman out in the cold.
Don’t be so quick to end this relationship. First, you need to be clearer on who this “sister” reminds you of. What happened in your first family? Were you not the favorite child? Did you feel competitive with a sibling who received more attention than you?
Believe it or not, the struggle you’re in, and the way you’re trying to get your boyfriend and his parents to take sides and favor you is very likely an unconscious attempt to recreate an early wound you suffered in an attempt to settle an old score. Settling the old score would mean arranging to have your parent favor you for once instead of your sister (or brother).
Are you aware of how hard you are trying to manipulate your boyfriend to “kill off” your competitor. Murderous sibling rage seems to be behind what’s going on here.
And, by the way, the more you try to pressure him into giving up this “sister” the more he will want to hang on to her, and the more he will grow to resent you for trying to force him to give up this friend. And, instead of achieving a healing of your early wound, and feeling favored by your parent, you will end up being reinjured and set aside in favor of someone else.
When you figure out what you are trying to heal from your past, and you heal that wound, you won’t give a fig about a friend.
Let me know how you make out.
