I have been with my partner for nearly five years, but days ago he dropped the bombshell that he thinks that he no longer finds me sexually attractive. As far as I can tell, everything was fine until about a month ago. He says that he has been confused for longer, however.Things were exacerbated when he restarted university; he met a girl that he found attractive, which made him realise that he didn’t find me attractive. He was never unfaithful (physically), but he told her how he felt, and she wasn’t interested.I desperately love him, and can’t conceive of a future without him in it. He says that he loves me too, and we still hold each other and hug and kiss. He has agreed to see a relationship counsellor with me, and says that he wants it to work, but won’t tell me why things have changed.Any ideas? Can we still make things work?
I am very suspicious of where your boyfriend is coming from–no pun intended. If you look the same as you always did and he always found you attractive, then why is he suddenly no longer attracted to you? I suspect that there is some other issue that is surfacing at this time and that this is responsible for his changed feelings. You are going to need to ask a lot of questions to get to the bottom of what is going on. The first thing you will want to check out is whether he is mad at you. Anger is a real passion deflator. The next thing you will want to expolore is whether he is getting cold feet. You have been together for five years. Is it possible that he was sensing that you are expecting a commitment from him? Is he a commitment phobic? Is it possible that he introduced this other girl in order to dilute your connection? Is it possible that he is depressed, anxious or overly stressed? A common side effect of any of these problems is a loss of sexual desire. Is it possible that he is experiencing a diminishment in his desire, which he has wrongly attributed to you when, in fact, it is he who is experiencing diminished desire. Is he suffering from an undetected health problem, such as diabetes. Keep in mind that many health problems affect sexual desire. To know whether his desire is off all together or whether he only experiences lack of desire with you, you will need to ask him if he has sexual feeling when he’s alone or when he’s with other women. Again, be very wary about accepting at face value his claim that he is suddenly not attracted to you. I don’t buy it. Let me know what you uncover in couples therapy.