Dr. LoveI really need your advice about a situation that I am in. My boyfriend of eight months told me that he has a son, I know you are thinking what is the problem with that. Well when we first got together I asked him if he had any children and he said NO, now eight months later he tells me he has an eight year old son.The problem is not that he has a child, its just that he lied and I don’t think I can trust him the same way as before. I feel like that was nothing to lie about and if he lied about that he will lie to me about anything.So my question to you is what exactly should I do?
I totally understand your mistrust. You need to ask him the question you asked me above, specifically if he lied to you about his son, then why wouldn’t he lie to you about anything. He needs to come clean with you and tell you the real reason why he lied. I suspect that he was afraid that you wouldn’t have wanted him had you known that he had a child. So, his fear of not having a chance with you is likely what caused his lie.If I’m right, this means that his lying is the result of fear. Lying is actually a defense mechanism designed to protect the self from danger. Unfortunately, the lying defense, like all defenses, not only doesn’t protect the self from harm, it actually brings about more harm in the long run.Case in point. He lied to protect himself from losing you. Now the lie has brought about his worst fear and he may lose you after all! The only way you will be safe with this guy is if he admits his problem and then works to become conscious when he feels afraid and then learns to resist the tendency to lie as a way of escaping the fear.He will probably need the help of a therapist in order to learn how to activate what’s called the observing ego so that he learns to watch for his feeling of fear and then consciously choose not to act in his habitual way.