I am a 29 year old woman. I’ve been married for 11 years. We were engaged 2 years before that. I have 2 children. We have a lot of issues.He has had a mother that always wanted her way and sometimes he punishes me for the things he thinks she has done wrong in the past when he couldn’t stand up to her, which he sill can’t. I lived in a family in which my mother was always unhappy and she still is. She has always either found a way to be out of the house or been sick or tired.I have done more than my best to have a good marriage. At least for the sake of my kids. I have been unhappy through this relationship but have always hoped that by being patient things would turn for the better.About our sex life I have been more than tolerant. He had and still has premature ejaculations. In the past he wouldn’t even try to give me an orgasm, or would spend a couple of minutes for oral sex, which wasn’t satisfying at all.I had my first orgasm with him after 8 1/2 years through oral sex. He doesn’t care about my feelings. But I know that deep down he has a good heart and he is a responsible man. He just doesn’t try to make me happy, as if it doesn’t matter as long as he has his family, and I support him and he tries to have and reach all the things in life that he wants and has wanted.I don’t know how long I can continue with this life. I have no hope that he will change. He just doesn’t understand me or women for that matter. He is 38 years old now.PLEASE HELP ME.
I hear how disappointed you are in your husband. What comes through loud and clear is how frustrated you are that he doesn’t seem to hear what’s bothering you. His deafness leaves you feeling hopeless, like nothing is ever going to change.I’m afraid that your long laundry list of complaints may be causing him not to hear you. As I explain in my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), men’s bodies are hyper-reactive to stress, criticism, and complaints.This hyper-reactivity dates back to prehistoric times when men were hunters and needed to react with lightning speed–to flee or fight dangerous prey. Modern danger is no longer the ferocious tiger, it’s the furious wife or girlfriend; and when she comes at him baring her teeth and berating him with criticism, his body sees danger and automatically switches into autonomic nervous system (ANS) arousal. ANS arousal is popularly referred to as the fight-flight mode.In fight-flight mode, the entire body goes into high alert and produces stress chemicals that prepares a person to fight or flee. Heart rate and respiration increases, sweating occurs, muscles tense up, and, here’s the kicker, all higher order cognitive functions such reasoning, logic, and even listening skills go out to lunch. . . . and all this happens so the hunter won’t end up lunch in a beast’s belly!The important thing that you need to remember is that ANS arousal causes a man’s brain to literally shut off. This brain shut off mechanism was adaptive when a hunter was face to face with dangerous prey. If his brain could think straight, he’d probably tell himself to skip the meat, save his skin, and starve.Obviously, the survival of the species depended on the hunter getting that meat. So, primitive man was wired to not think and just fight so that he could get the protein food that he and his family needed.Even though modern men aren’t hunters, their bodies are still wired to be hyper-reactive to stress and danger. As I said above, an angry and accusing wife sets off the same physiological bells and whistles that ferocious prey did centuries before. Since modern man doesn’t want to physically fight his wife, he flees instead.There are three main ways that men flee: physically (by leaving the room or the house); verbally (by making excuses, justifying and defending himself); and psychically (this occurs when his body is present but his mind takes a hike. )The man in psychic withdrawal may appear deaf, dumb, and blind. He may stay off into space, avoid eye contact, even drool on his tie–OK I’m exaggerating a little, but you get the point. When a man is in psychic withdrawal, he is literally deaf to your words. He doesn’t listen or hear you because he is mentally gone.Here’s where the vicious cycle starts. When a woman feels ignored, she becomes more hurt and angry and turns up the heat and the volume, and guess what? He’s more deaf, more defensive or just plain outta there in the flash of a firefly.The only way out of this vicious cycle is what I call’Climate Control’ in which you state in a cool and calm way what you want, not berate or criticize the guy for what he’s doing wrong. I know you feel like braining him because you’re frustrated over not being heard for all this time.Remember, he hasn’t heard you up until now because he’s been literally deafened by ANS arousal. I promise you that when you communicate with him the way I outline in the book, you will see miracles occur.Just read the entire book and I will guide you to break the cycle in which you’re trapped. I obviously can’t excerpt the entire book in this short column, so do yourself and your marriage a favor and read the book right away and put all my proven steps into practice.You will soon be relieved to see that he stops fleeing. Then and only them will you finally feel heard. I know your husband is a good man, and we are going to talk to him in a way that encourages him be the responsive husband you want and deserve.