Dear Dr. Love,I was previously engaged to a man who had been keeping crucial life circumstances from me. He lied and betrayed me, and I left him. We live in different cities and now three months later he is asking for a 2nd chance.I still love him, but he has destroyed my trust in him. He is willing to move his life to mine, because he has realized all that he has done to our relationship. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to give him another chance, but how do I know that he will never dissapoint me ever again?I am 24 years old, still a virgin, and I don’t regret leaving him at all. I am still in love with him though. Please help. Why would a 27 year old man buy a beautiful engagement ring and not be totaly honest with me from the start about his past? How do I know if he is worthy of me? PLEASE HELP!!Thank you, Alania
To answer the question why would he buy the ring and lie about his past, we need to know much more about your fiance. For example, did he lie because he thought you would drop him if he told the truth about himself? Did he lie in order to punish himself (figuring that when you found out, you would want nothing to do with him?) Is he afraid of intimacy and did he lie in order to break the relationship? Is he a pathological liar?As you can see, there are many possibilities here. And, the only way you are going to find out what motivated his lying is to ask him. I can understand that no matter what promises he makes, you are afraid to trust him again. You have good reason to fear that if he lied once he will lie again.Since he is returning to you on his knees, you are in a uniquely powerful position now. You can name your terms and call the shots. As an emotional insurance policy for you, I suggest that you tell him in order to resume relations, he must come with you to joint therapy. There you can discuss the whys and wherefores of his behavior. When he discovers the motivations for his lying, and learns to face his real fears and issues, rather than escape them through lies, then and only then can your heart breathe a sigh and trust him again.So, much talking and work must be done before you can drop your guard. You have every right to emotionally protect yourself and I hope you do. Let me know what happens.
