Dear Dr. Love,I met this guy a year and a half ago and when we first met, he had a girlfriend so, despite the undeniable attraction we both felt for each other, we remained true friends for the entire year that him and his girlfriend went out.This summer he told me that we couldn’t talk anymore till he and her break up because he was getting mixed emotions about me(wondering what me and him would be like). Finally, in mid-summer, he calls me and tells me he broke it off with her. I was happy but at the same time wondering what he wanted from me now, see, I was devastated when he stopped talking to me because I love him.So, to forward to my current problem, he came as my date to a dance at my school, and after we went to a party and I had a little alcohol. We came back to my house and he forced me to perform oral sex on him. We haven’t talked about what occured, he hasn’t called me and I’m feeling completely devasted because I not only feel completely violated, but by someone I love whom I never thought would do this to me, I don’t know how to handle this, should I approach him in person or on the phone, and what should I say, I am afraid to lose the friendship we built but I don’t know how to look past this, I am scared to talk about it to him, but I need some answers like why and how he co uld do this to me.What would posess a friend to take advantage of a friend in that way. Please respond to me, I am only in highschool, and I don’t know how to handle this, I’ve tried talking to a teacher, friends, and an adult friend but no one seems to know what to say. I need a professional opinion.Thank you.
Are you aware that being forced to perform a sexual act against your will is called rape. I understand that this guy did, in fact, force you (not beg and plead). In which case, you have been sexually assaulted and have every reason to be outraged. You say you need answers from this guy and don’t know how to approach him for these answers. Usually when a person wants to understand, he or she is trying to reason away terrible feelings (if I can understand, then I won’t feel so upset). Do you know how you feel? I know you are aware of feeling hurt and violated, but do you know that you are also enraged?Before you go any further, I think you need to recognize all your feelings about this occurence–including your angry feelings. Once you are able to own your anger, then, I think you will feel more empowered to handle this guy. I don’t think that the way to approach him is to ask him why he violated you. That would be like asking a killer why he pulled the trigger. Does it matter? The crime was committed and the dead body is lying on the ground.My point being, I think this guy needs to be confronted about what he did to you (not asked why he did it). Do you see the difference? When you ask him for for explanations, you are putting him in the driver’s seat and inviting him to give you whatever bullshit excuses he can come up with. And, whatever excuses he gives hardly matter. He behaved unacceptably and there are no explanations or excuses that can change that. Because of this, I think you must take charge of the conversation and tell him how unacceptable his behavior was.So, access your angry feelings. Then, tell him that his behavior was disgusting. I would also want him to know that he’s lucky you didn’t have him arrested. By the way, I noticed that you seem afraid to confront this guy for fear of jeopardizing the friendship. Do you really think that you are friends? Did he behave like a friend when he did what he did to you? Didn’t he already jeopardize the friendship? And, finally, why would you want to be friends with someone who violated you? I hope that I have given you what you need. I am sorry this happened to you. The best and quickest way to heal from this experience is to confront your abuser and transform your feelings of violation into feelings of empowerment. After you confront him, let me know how you are.