Dear Dr Love,I found out last night that my boyfriend wasn’t a virgin, and for all the time we’ve been together I thought he was, since he told me I was the first person he ever kissed, so I just assumed…Since I thought we were both virgins, I thought the first time we had sex would be really special, but now I’ve found out that he lost his virginity to a prostitute, and I can’t believe he thinks so little of doing it for the first time. I don’t want to break up with him, because I know what he did wasn’t that bad, but I can’t help thinking of him with her, and that when he asks me to have sex with him he’s thinking of how it was with her.Plus I’m worried that he’s going to think you can have sex with the person you love the same way you do with a prostitute, ie in and out and that’s it. Please help me sort out my feelings.
I think your confusion is a smoke screen for angry feelings, and that beneath your anger is a feeling of hurt. You thought he had saved himself for you and now you find out that he has been with another woman–a prostitute. You feel betrayed.It’s hard for women to understand that male sexuality is quite different from female sexuality. First of all, look at the anatomy of a male. His sex organs are outside his body, which makes it easier for him to detach himself from the sex act. It is easier for a man to have sex without emotional connection.Women, on the other hand, have a very different anatomical make-up and this affects how we feel about the sex act. First of all, a woman must take a man inside herself, a very intimate and vulnerable act. And, she must also risk pregnancy. For these reasons, most women desire connection and security as a necessary prerequisite to sex.What you need to keep sight of is the fact that you are projecting your female perspective on sex to your boyfriend. To get past this, you need to understand his act from a male, not a female perspective. First of all, a man’s sense of worth comes from feeling competent, successful and in charge. A lot of men choose to lose their virginity to a prostitute so that they will know how to perform when they sleep with a woman they love. In other words, a man doesn’t doesn’t want to blow it (no pun intended) by revealing his inexperience or, worse, failing sexually with a woman he cares for. So, he practices with someone that doesn’t count, thinking that if he fails or makes a fool of himself it will not matter.So, understand him and don’t expect him to be like a woman. And, as for your concern about his giving you a wham bam approach to sex, I would deal with that problem, if and when it arises (again no pun intended). There is no reason to assume that he will perform with you in the way he performed with a prostitute.