This is the first time I’ve visitied your site…and glad I have. I do have to say my love life is very frustrating and more so for my wife. When she and I were dating I was able to give her an orgasm most every time we had sex, or so she says.We both decided to stop having sex 3 months prior to our marriage so that our special day without any protection would truely be that. It was that, but 5 years have passed and she hasn’t orgasmed since we were engaged!We try the things that worked before and I explore new areas on her body, but I only last long enough to get her close. And that’s not saying that I reach orgasm quickly, most of the time I try to work her up with foreplay. Either that or she gets sore from me trying.I’ve told her to keep her mind off it, that maybe she’s trying too hard but that doesn’t work either. I don’t think she’s ever explored her own body to find the right spots, because when I ask she’s not quite sure…and seems uncomfortable about it.I don’t want to say ‘try masturbating’ because I know she doesn’t really like the subject. Another thing, I always seem to be the initiator which makes me think she’s getting bored with not being able to reach orgasm.We are planning to try and conceive this summer and I really want to give her that one orgasm…what should I or she do?Signed -Flustered
Sex is supposed to be a joyous experience in which partners unite in pleasure. Your sex life sounds like the two of your are training for an olympic event.All that pressure to perform causes the release of brain chemicals that are incompatible with the chemicals required for sexual arousal and orgasm. The more you try to make her achieve orgasm, the more tense she gets, which shoots any chance that she will climax.Her situation isn’t different from a man who can’t become erect because he is worrying about whether he will or not. You both are locked in a vicious cycle and the only way to break this spiral is to stop focusing on her orgasm and start focusing on experiencing the joy of connecting, with or without orgasm.You also need to know that fifty percent of all women don’t ever climax in intercourse, no matter how much foreplay occurs before, and no matter how long the man is able to delay his own orgasm in intercourse. So take a chill pill and stop all the pressure to perform. Her machinery isn’t broken. She was able to achieve orgasms when you were dating and before you both fell into this impossible loop. When you both relax and truly accept that it’s fine if she doesn’t have an orgasm, then she will orgasm again.If you need help in order to get yourselves to the place where you truly let go of all expectations and demands, then by all means see a good therapist. It would also be good to examine, in a nonpressured way, why her orgasms stopped after marriage.Ask her to study how becoming married may be linked to the sexual dysfunction. Is she dealing with unresolved marital conflict, which can numb a woman’s sex drive? Has marriage itself brought up unresolved issues for her from childhood?You both need to ask the question and see what answers surface. This is a common problem and one that isn’t hard to solve. The problem may be simple in origin (that she didn’t achieve orgasm one day, due to fatigue or illness, and soon developed performance anxiety) or more complex (that there are unrecognized marital and/or childhood issues).In either case, you can get past this problem. So be logical, dope out the cause of the problem, and work together, in a relaxed way, on solving it.
