My Fiance’ seems to fight alot lately. We’ve been together for over a year now and living together for just under a year. He seems to have a problem with everything I do or say, like its all against him. When he says something to me though, its ok and I’m being irrational when it makes me upset. He somehow always makes me feel guilty whether I have done something good or bad. I try to make him happy with the things I do but he never is. Is there a reason for this? He always brings up old fights and makes them new again. I think he just likes to get a rise out of me. How should I deal with this? Feeling guilty.
The first thing you need to do is to understand why you need to be in a relationship with a person who makes you feel wrong, crazy and guilty. The answer to this question can be probably be found in your relationships in your first family. Either one or both of your parents blamed you for what went wrong, or you watched one of your parents blame the other. In either case, you have learned that this is the way relationships are supposed to be.When you figure out what piece of your childhood is being played out here, you will then need to identify the type healing that you are hoping to achieve throughout this recreation. Are you hoping that your boyfriend will finally stop laying guilt trips on you and simply believe in you, love you, etc. ? When you figure this out, you will be in a better position to move forward. Realize that you will meet up with a major obstacle to your moving forward: your boyfriend. Realize that he is meeting his own unconscious needs by ‘beating’ on you emotionally. So, he will probably be unwilling to stop playing his part.Ultimately, the changing will need to come from you. Unless you change how you relate to him, he will continue to dump blame on your psychological doorstep. And, the more you try to be good and understanding, the worse this problem will get. So, you need to accept that he will never stop laying the guilt on you, unless you force his hand. Meaning, you will need to face the fact that you are never going to receive your happy ending by continuing in the way you have with him ( accepting to be his punching bag).Your only hope of a change here is to put your foot down and demand that he go to couples counseling with you. If he refuses to go, then you will need to decide whether you want to keep beating a dead horse. I wish you strength to face reality. This man will never give you your happy ending (he is getting too many rewards in dumping blame on you), not unless he gets help.He must be helped to understand why he needs to make you the bad guy. Is he boosting his self-esteem at your expense? Was he abused as a child and is he dumping the feeling that he felt of being wrong onto you? You need to find out. If he refuses to go for help, then you need to face the fact that you will never get a happy ending from him. And, you will need to decide whether you want to and be tortured forever or move on and find another lover who can give you what you need.
